holy shit: we're married!

I can now use Mrs. as a title. Not that I'll make a huge habit of it. It's sounds just a little more matronly than I feel.

But anyway, on with the show! You know I can't just sit and not talk about it. It was VEGAS and my WEDDING. I figure instead of a rambling blabberfest, we'll do it travel log style. (Ok fine, travel log style with blabber. Can't help it. We're talking about my wedding. And Vegas.) I have been trying all week to get this fucking blogger site to upload my pictures, but it won't. Somehow one snuck through. I'm pissed. The pictures are good.

9/15/06

8:50am: I discover the first traces of my period, which is a week late. I ain't even tryin' to hear that noise.

10:30pm: We arrived in Las Vegas after a wretched flight. Micah was squished next to a dude the size of Eko on Lost, but with bigger(!) thighs. The earbuds I bought to watch Just My Luck (pathetic) would not stay in my ears. Would not. I'm pretty sure the flight attendant flirted with my nearly betrothed. At one point we thought we were almost there and discovered we had at least another hour. We spent a frustrating 30 minutes just trying to get out of the fucking airport and into a cab. I felt like a herded cow at least twice. There are lines, people, and don't you forget it. You can't just get into a cab all willy-nilly! We were then assaulted with Vegas facts by the cab driver. I'm proud to say I already knew a bunch of them, because you best believe I'm a traveler that researches.

But then we saw our hotel, and all was well.

I don't know what's going on with the blobs in this picture. I can't say I remember a street lamp right in front of us. And if it's a street lamp, where is its pole? It's not the moon, look how it's flat on the top and bottom. And the other white light looks more like Pacman than the moon. A little creepy, no?

11:05pm: Freakin' FINALLY in our hotel room. The hotel clerk hinted that she was giving us an upgrade. The room I really wanted was the one with all the mirrors surrounded the bed - and I do mean ALL the MIRRORS - but she seemed to think this other room was better. I did tell her we were getting married because that's the type of shit you do if you want something free. Or upgraded. Turns out the room was located in a better tower, right near the casino entrance, the heart of things. The room had ye olde lovely charm, with fancy ceilings and furniture more elegant than cheesy. The Tropicana is sort of known as the last of the old school hotels. Our view was of MGM Grand, and that's pretty much it. MGM is the largest hotel in the world with over 5,000 rooms. It's very green, with a massive gold lion chilling near the front. We were very relieved when my brother called and suggested we just meet up in the morning. Micah and I lazed happily while face masks tightened up our pores (gotta love a man who is concerned, but not obsessed, about his skin).

9/16/06

9:50am: We get into a taxi and go to the marriage license office. Wedding chapel pamphlet pushers push pamphlets on us. I made an ingenius move by filling out the license applications before we even left St. Louis, which allowed us to go right up to a clerk. The timing deities were definitely with us all day, starting in the morning - when we turned around while we were waiting for our paperwork to be processed, there were at least 20 couples in line. I spazz a little because I thought it'd be the last time I would sign my last name. (Ahem. Not even close.)

10:45am: We find the wedding chapel office in our hotel, which is surrounded by what might as well be Hawaii, it was so tropical and lucious. They had a pretty good deal on walk-ins, which came with limited frills - champagne and a garter belt - just the way I wanted it. Jesse and his girlfriend Lisa could do the picture taking. I talked with a very sweet lady who let me pick a time and then took our money. I gave myself just enough time to primp and gather myself, but not enough time where I'd get sick of waiting.

11:00-11:40am: Alone in the hotel room getting ready. Micah wanted to play some slot machines which turned out to be a great choice, because even eloping brides need their private primping time without the groom. Had I friends in town, that's when they would have drank champagne and stoked my ego and giggled excitedly. So I just did that all in my head and it turned out pretty well! I decided not to wear the cute dress I bought specifically to wear for the wedding. It made me look pregnant and the boob area was being funky and gapey. I wore a sheer ivory tank top-type thing, because it was the second nicest thing that I had. I'm still kicking myself for not wearing something with sleeves, because really? Nobody needs to be exposed to my fat arms. I straightened my hair a bit and put on more makeup than I usually do, and then I smiled as happily as I have ever smiled (well, up to that point) and took a picture of it. Which you cannot see right now because my blog provider SUCKS.

11:45am: Jesse and Lisa arrived from their hotel and thankfully they found Micah right away, because I was starting to freak out that he ran for McCarran Airport with his wallet to escape me. Not the case! On with this wedding thing!

12:00pm: We start the proceedings. I become Mrs. Atkinson, which ends up being the #1 most popular thing to send in a text message to Gabby in the following days. The ceremony itself was short and sweet, with a few minor fumbles (the minister called me Gabriella) and one major fumble (the minister gave Micah the wrong ring, and I didn't think much of it (oops!) when "my" ring slid on very, very easily. It took Micah a good 30 awkward seconds to pull off the ring I shoved on his finger so we could switch). Jesse was standing next to me as our witness and Lisa was dashing around behind the minister taking pictures. I started crying when I said something about promising to love, honor, and respect you, and then Jesse started crying, and then Lisa. Micah beamed happily the whole time which is a good thing - if he had started crying I would have LOST IT. I would've collapsed into the Ugly Cry, and no one wants that captured in her wedding photos.

12:30pm: Back in the hotel room with the gratis bottle of champagne from the chapel and another bottle that Jesse and Lisa brought. We popped it open and used the little hotel cups. We were all talking a mile a minute. Now that the wedding was taken care of we could get on with our vacation. I felt kind of guilty because this trip was supposed to be about Jesse turning 30. I had to go and upstage him. Oops. But he was really happy for me and I think quite relieved that we came at all.

1:00-3:30pm: Lazing at the pool. The very cool and spacious pool. I must say the hot tub(s) were very much lacking in the jet department. Micah and I buy 4 extremely large froo-froo drinks and proceed to get a good buzz on. But we haven't eaten since 9am and the rum was a bit harsh on the ol' tum-tum. Lisa starts talking and she doesn't stop. Jesse feigns sleep on a lounge chair. On our way back up to the room Micah wins $33 playing auto-poker. I consider this huge and make him cash out.

3:45-6:00pm: Nap time! (Yes, there is napping in Vegas.)

7:00pm: We meet up with my cousin Jenny, who lives in Vegas, for dinner. Thank god we have someone who knows where the fuck to go and what to stear clear of. We eat at the Grand Lux, which is very much the Cheesecake Factory with a different name (in the Venetian). I realize that the coconut I smelled in the lobby of the Tropicana is no coincidence - the Venetian has odors too. You couldn't really place the scent except to call it "luxurious." After dinner we walked to Caesar's Palace, which was fucking amazing. They pumped in the scent of leather, baby powder, and chocolate in different areas of the hotel. I realized Vegas is an assault on every sense, not just visual. We walk past the waiting line to get into the Pussycat Dolls' show and notice there is NOT ONE male in the lot. Weird. The statues and fountains in Caesar's Palace are absolutely amazing.

10:00pm: Our feet are tired, so we stand in front of the Bellagio and watch three fountain shows. The streams of water are so elegant, like ballerinas en pointe. I am dismayed to find they've choreographed one fountain show to the strains of "I'm Proud to be an American" which had obviously been recorded by a country singer. Blechh.

10:30pm: I admit to Jenny that I'm tired and ready to go back to the hotel. She seems a bit surprised, and I was kind of disappointed in myself. I envisioned a big night out with all of us getting trashed, but it didn't happen that way. I wasn't expecting dinner to take 2 hours. I wasn't expecting to feel so vacationally fulfilled by simply walking through the Venetian and Caesar's. But I guess Vegas is that way - you don't need much of it to get the gyst. And that's not to say I didn't have a great time. I guess I just need to realize that getting sloppy drunk isn't all it's cracked up to be. We lag a few minutes in the casino when we get back to our hotel, and I win 133 quarters on a slot machine. BOO-ya.

9/17/06

10:30am: Breakfast in the goddamn ugliest diner I've ever seen. Lots of teal and purple and plastic and kitsch. What was the Tropicana thinking? Jesse and Lisa show up with luggage in tow because they had to check out of their room and lucky them, we still have a room for two days. Lisa complains that her allergies are terrible and look at my eye! look how swollen it is! this Benadryl is making me so grogggggggy! And after I stuff my face with a giant burger, I want a fucking cigarette. I politely ask Lisa if she minds, and what do you know, she does, which puts me in a horrible mood because this is our table, and she didn't even tell us she would be coming to eat! So we exit soon after and leave Lisa to eat by herself. I return to the table to leave a tip and find Jesse bitching her out about how everything was just fine until you started complaining. I thank my lucky stars they are leaving before us so I don't have to spend all my time with her. She can be great, but she can be A-NNOY-ING. And that's putting it kindly.

12:00pm: Micah and I go back to the pool (what's the point of going out on the Strip during the day?! NO LIGHTS.) Jesse goes to the M&M store to get something for Bridgette. Lisa passes out on our bed. When we come back up to the room, J & L are just leaving. Going to walk around and get lunch. We hang out for a bit and I realize maybe we should do something besides sit. So we decide to ride the cool-ass double-decker bus all the way to the Stratosphere so we can go up and have a gander at the amazing view. As we are leaving, J & L are coming back. The timing couldn't get much better.

5:00pm: Oops. We said we'd be back by now and we're just sitting down to the magnificent buffet in the Stratosphere.

6:00pm: Jesse and Lisa are probably boarding a flight right now.

7:00pm: Finally, after spending an hour on the double-decker bus, we are back to the hotel. I know my cousin Jenny is waiting to hear from me so we can go chill at her house and meet her man and her dog, Bob. I teased her about what an inappropriate name for a dog "Bob" is. For some reason, we don't feel like going out. So I don't call her until 8:30, by which point she has consumed an entire bottle of wine and has fallen asleep on the couch. We are relieved and feeling highly guilty (well, ok, I felt guilty...Micah was perfectly okay with not moving a muscle and watching the Sunday night Fox line-up).

(Fuck, this is turning into the longest post ever. I'm almost done.)

11:00am: Checkout. Damn it. I realize I heart Vegas big time.

12:15am: I have obviously found a loose slot machine, because I put in $4 and end up winning $40, which happened on my last quarter. I notice its exact location for the next time I come, and realize how stupid I am because it's probably in some rotation for this exact reason.

1:00pm: We eat at In & Out with Jenny because once I heard that indeed they have those here?!?! I forced us to go there. I've only eaten there one other time, in California, and it is the best fucking fast food EVER. Big belated thanks to AE for introducing me! We then visit Jenny's house and I get majorly jealous because Bob is the cutest dog that ever lived and they have a pool with an attached hot tub in their backyard.

4:00pm: Somehow, we almost miss our flight, as in sorry, folks, we just closed the door. I stamped my foot loudly and said we've been in security THIS WHOLE TIME. (And not because I just HAD to go to the bathroom before boarding. Nope. That wasn't it.) The AA employee checks to make sure we're legit and seems bitter about having to open the door for us. In the end, he made a smart move. I would have pitched a big fucking fit if he hadn't let us on - not because we'd have to stay in Vegas (come on!) but because we'd have to do so sans luggage. And probably pay to get on the next flight.

4:30pm: We are happily the renters of our own damn aisle. We were told we could move to the back and have an aisle to ourselves, which was downright magical. We watched Nacho Libre and I was so unimpressed I couldn't finish it.

10:30pm: Finally we are picked up by Keom and get home. I take the next day off for decompression. And that's it. I'm tired of writing about this now. Incredibly pissed the pictures didn't work because I could've saved myself a few thousand words.

just the beginning

Mine. ALL MINE.

Do you hear that sound? That would be my heart racing.

I've less than 24 hours away from starting a new chapter of my life. I think I should recognize it. See, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Micah after dating him for one week. When I first laid eyes on him five years ago, I thought he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. He harbored similar feelings. You might not believe me because it's easy to think it now, but even though Micah was involved with someone at the time, I had this feeling about him. I couldn't tell you what that feeling meant, and at the time I probably chalked it up to a crush and went on my way.

And yes, actually, I do believe in fate. I believe there are reasons Micah and I didn't hook up five years ago when his relationship ended and he actually showed interest in me through a mutual friend. Major growth and self-discovery needed to occur. Had we begun something then it would've been a rebound thing. I would've been dealing with an extremely wounded man, and he would've had his hands full with a very restless woman who had to learn how to trust men again.

Things that need to happen will happen. You get what you need. Sometimes, if you're lucky, what you need and what you want cohabitate in the same exquisite form. I don't know how I got so lucky. I try to be good but I am at times really bad. That doesn't mean I don't think I deserve this, because I know I do. I deserve to be happy. I deserve Micah.

I know marriage isn't easy, but I've had great role models. I don't expect it to be easy all the time, but if there is ONE THING I am determined NOT TO QUIT in my life, it's Micah. I could search the rest of my life and not find someone as honorable, trustworthy, good-natured, funny, sensual, patient, and hard-working as Micah. Don't forget sexy. The other day I was watching him dig up some dirt at his sister's house, gleaming brightly with sweat, and I suddenly felt very far away, like I was watching a movie. A rush came over my body. I realized I felt just like I did five years ago when I could only admire him from a distance - taking in the curves of his torso, his thin, sturdy legs, his regal nose, his reddish tan, his crazy, chocolatey hair - and I was consumed by such a genuine and thorough feeling of love that I swear it made me dizzy. I am in love. And now I know what that means.

Last night Micah and I practiced our wedding kiss. We can't go up there without some sort of plan of attack! What if I linger open-mouthed longer than he does? Do we move around or do the black & white movie kiss that is completely closed-mouth and stationary? I think we worked something out.

And away we go.

this and that

- creeps me out to have Steve Irwin on in the background and remember daaaang. dude is DEAD.

- i've only had a credit card for a little over a year, and before that I spent years trying to obtain one. now suddenly my bank tells me they've just up and given me one. no application! and with a rather ridiculous credit limit! (ok, ridiculous for me.)

- god, that poor woman. i really like Steve Irwin's wife. have since i saw her on a tv interview with roots down to her chin, all unimpressed with glamour. you know it would take a certain breed of woman to deal with Steve Irwin, is what i'm trying to articulate. and that daughter, Bindi? homigod she's magical, like Dakota Fanning without the pretentious vibe.

- tucker carlson is on dancing with the stars? huat? (the fact that i even know who tucker carlson is shows you just how much micah loves to watch cable news shows.)

- JERRY SPRINGER is on DANCING WITH THE STARS. that is totally fuckin' rad.

- "my stomach hurts" is code for "i'm going to shit my guts out" in man-speak.

- speaking of which, i think it's physically impossible for men to shit and not shower immediately. what is that about? poopie cooties gonna climb all over you? insecure in your wiping abilities?

- should have been there to see my brother fairly quiver with excitement last night when we told him at his birthday dinner that he's going to vegas for 4 days! and he doesn't owe a dime! it's already been cleared with his boss! and his beloved seester and micah are coming! and oh, by the way, they're getting married! he seriously looked as if he might cry after every new development. priceless. (oh, and he'd never admit it, but my brother is totally a crier. i used to feel terrible because when we were little he'd cry at funerals and i never could. it bothered me.)

- ever get twin zits? by twin i mean symmetrical placement on your body. happens to me all the time, and it fascinates me.

- must go consume more Barefoot Chardonnay. Yum to the ums.

i'm a friggin' gumshoe

So! Remember when I said I'm a scam spotter? Done spotted a scam at the workplace, ya'll.

There's this guy, an IT guy, who mostly works from home. I have no idea what he actually contributes to our office, but I assume it's some sort of tech support role. I've had to call this guy a couple times, like when one of the color printer's parts just popped right off (to which he said "Does it still work? Yep? Then don't worry about it!"). He talks really fast and likes to insinuate he's cooler and more important than me because he works from home.

I usually talk to him when he needs to order office supplies. I'm the official Orderer. I'm the only one who knows the almighty Staples ID and user password. BOO-yaw. IT guy didn't really start ordering anything until about six months ago, and it was usually pens. NICE pens. Couldn't find the word BIC anywhere on 'em. I thought it was a little...hm...presumptuous of him to assume he deserved $7 pens, nay, a handful of $7 pens.

Also a little nervy to ask for a stack of blank DVDs.
Oh, go ahead and make that two stacks.
And some regular ol' blank CDs. For good measure. Even though there are already plenty of stacks to plunder here in the office.

I never said anything. I just ordered with raised eyebrows and quietly wondered if I should be getting in on this ordering frenzy for obviously non-work-related accoutrements. After all, I am the one who reconciles the credit card bill. I ordered a Dr. Grip pencil once and giggled lovingly at it while I clicked and gripped, clicked and gripped. It felt so naughty. But I'm a little paranoid and thought for sure my boss pores over his Purchasing credit card statement just looking for a reason to fire me. (Nevermind the fact that a simple perusal of this here blog could potentially cause the same.)

COME ON, blank DVDs? What, are you burning IT instructional videos? Starting your own lil piracy shop? Hmmm?

But I still didn't say anything. Not when he ordered a wireless optical mouse. Not when he ordered another a week later. Not when he ordered an external hard drive, a keychain memory card, or a THIRD fucking stack of DVD R/Ws. But I'm hardly his boss and I had to admit that some of these things seemed viably work-related.

When I was processing the credit card charges online last week, I realized I had placed 15 orders for him over the past month, and all of them had been at least $50. That's a lot of fucking dough to be spent on someone who probably shouldn't be ordering anything but pens and maybe the wireless mouse, and whose company email contains the same insulting tag mine does: "Non-Big Company," aka, Technically A Contractor. And here's The Thing:

I get no pleasure from being a fink, it is something I steadily avoid. I am very much of the "damn the man" attitude, especially when the man is a company that represents 1/10 of the entire US economy yet can't seem to find room in their budget for my salary plus health insurance, rendering me a perma-temp. I felt like I would be betraying some sort of damn-the-man allegiance that naturally occurs between peons of similar status if I were to run to my boss in a jealousy-fueled huff (because I am too shy to order CD R/W stacks and nifty keychain memory cards).

But this morning? His list went like this:
--Graphing calculator ($219) bwah-haaa! you use trig in IT? so interesting.
--DVD+R DL spindle ($49) ok, for real, I'll give you $10 for The Devil's Advocate, A Few Good Men, and Basic Instinct.
--Sandisk Memory Card ($50) for a camera. a fucking camera! he has a new baby. maybe his wife's in on this scam.
and, drumroll please....
--a $300 motherfucking mp3 player.

IT Guy wanted to order an mp3 player. A $300 one.

I sat for a moment and stewed over this very ridiculous and scandalous request. The total for this order would have been over $600.

So I grabbed some of my boss's mail and headed to his office.

"Here's some mail for you," I said and plopped it down in front of him.
"Also," I said, growing meaker by the moment, "I thought maybe I should run something past you. IT Guy has asked me to order some expensive things from Staples, including a $300 mp3 player."

"Oh? I didn't even know we were ordering supplies for IT Guy."

FUUUUCK.

"Hm, well...hm! Well! He's been asking me to order stuff for months like I was the right person to ask."

Boss chuckles, thank god. He's a chuckler. He's a very nice older man who isn't as naive as he seems but is a tad more naive than he thinks he is.

"What'd you say he ordered?"

"An mp3 player. For music." And then, because I was feeling my uber-bitch: "Probably not a work-related item."

"Yeah...doesn't sound like it."

And then, because I was feeling very tricked, I said:
"He's been ordering a lot of stuff. If I had gone ahead and ordered what he asked me to today, it would have been well over 600 dollars."

"Well, just tell IT Guy that we've been having budget cuts and he needs to request permission for everything he orders."

And you know what? I don't feel bad about this. Why should this guy get all this free shit? Just because he learned that Administrative Ass-istant doesn't ask questions, she just orders? I feel so stupid.

So then I had to email IT Guy and tell him what was up with these new budget restrictions. He happened to be in the office today and I was taking the passive-aggressive route instead of hunting him down.

His response: "That's fine. What's the new limit?"
My response: "There is no specific limit, but rather a requirement for approval for anything you want to order."
His response: "No problem. So that I order I placed today went through okay? I can expect it tomorrow?"
My (ideal) response: "NO, YOU GREEDY FUCKTARD FUCKER."
My (real) response: "Sorry. It was not approved."


In other news, I think I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair this morning.

where in the world is gabby san diego

yeah, i've been a little absent. i've had a major distraction, and it's been majorly distracting. everybody already knows, so i'm not even going to try to talk around it. there is an elopement on the horizon. but does it count as eloping if you tell everyone? i hope so.

i even told my mom last night. she was virtually the last to know. i was trying to think of a fun way to tell her but yesterday i just picked up the phone and called her and then told her there would be a wedding in las vegas. and she sure as hell knows it ain't gonna be jesse marrying lisa.

she's excited! she said take lots of pictures. then i swear i heard the cogs in her brain squeak into action as she realized THE RECEPTION. MUST PLAN. because we've talked about this. she knew it was going to happen. above all other persons she held clearance rights. if it wasn't kosh with the moms, fugget it. but cool with it she is, because after all, her thinks-she's-a-lesbian-no-wait-maybe-not-crap-she-got-beat-up-bad-what-if-she-goes-gay-again-wait-maybe-not-LORD-this-one-is-unmotivated-yes!-it's over!-oh-god-will-she-ever-be-happy-wait-maybe-so-YES-this-one-is-PERFECT daughter has found someone! YES! This one is PERFECT! (I'm sorry I made you sit through that sentence, bee tee dubbleyoo).

it's early, and i've already had IHOP.
p.s. don't get the crepes thinking they'll have crepey goodness in the middle. IHOP calls those cheese blintzes and if you don't like cottage cheese steer clear of those bad girls.

so! those familiar with st. louis, i have a wee request. where's a nice place to have a reception that won't cost my parents their first Goobie-born?
p.p.s. no, i'm not pregnant.