Fisticuffs

This morning when I was getting ready for work I heard some noisy children outside and didn't think much of it because there are always noisy children outside my apartment. An elementary school sits at the top of our block, and a lot of the kids walk to and from school. At three o'clock you'd better just stay off the sidewalk completely unless you want to get run over by children of all ages, postively rambunctious after being cooped up in school all day.

This morning, though, the noise from the kids didn't fade in the direction of the school, and I realized they were all in front of our building yelling about something. When I went to the window I saw two girls, probably no more than 7 years old, beating the shit out of each other while their friends watched. Both girls had their fingers embedded deep into the other's hair, and were taking turns taking punches to the head. They seemed WAY too young to be fighting, like seriously fighting. And the language! Whoa!

So what did I do? Well I couldn't just sit there and let these little kids wail on each other. That wouldn't be very responsible of me. So I yelled "Hey!" and it wasn't loud enough. So I screamed "HEEEEYYYYY! STOP FIGHTING! GO TO SCHOOL!" A few kids looked up and saw me in the window and eventually they separated the girls, but not before one of the girls who was fighting fell to the ground and got kicked by a boy. "That's your sister, you punk!" screamed another girl. You could tell they were all a little anxious because they got caught, and slowly they started walking to school, the two little girls still cussing each other out.

I broke up a fight, y'all! With my voice!

I hope a quarter gets stuck in your eye like that alligator at the zoo

I've come to the conclusion that I fucking hate laundromats. I've been able to avoid them for the most part - I've probably only been to a laundromat 10-15 times in my life, not counting the laundry room at college which I probably should have visited more often but I was, you know, having the college experience. I usually do my laundry at my parents' house because I'm a shameless mooch, but considering I have to drive an hour each way to get there and then spend three hours giving them my undivided attention, it balances out. They give me a clean place to launder with free soda and turkey sandwiches and I give them what all parents want - large chunks of undivided attention from their children.

When I'm feeling lazy or gas is $10.57 a gallon I go to a laundromat, and every time I go to one I'm convinced the place is far dirtier than it should be considering its sole purpose is to help people get something clean. Does anyone actually work at these places? Sweeping, perhaps? EMPTYING THE FUCKING LINT TRAP? EVER?! And why oh why would you, as the owner of this "cleaning" environment, decide to eat whatever the fuck that was that smelled like something took a big hot shit on a week-old fish carcass right next to me and the other folks folding our fresh, unmolested clothes? Also, "urine waft" is not something you want to encounter in a laudromat. Investigate that.

Please say no, it's not true, you definitely did not once again raise the price of the dryer so that I get 8 FUCKING MINUTES per quarter? What the fuck? I swear on all my fingers and toes that last time it was 15 minutes per quarter. Please also explain to me why my shirt has this funny little stain on it even though it certainly didn't go into the washer that way.

I'm a scam-spotter, y'all. I think they drop oil pellets into the washing machines so you rewash. Maybe the owners go around pressing the Lo Temp buttons between customers hoping the next fool won't notice and change it to Hi Temp, causing the fool to spend an extra $2.50 continuing the dryer time before they catch on. More plausibly, they just don't empty the fucking lint traps so it ends up taking five years and more than the special stash of quarters you have only for laundry that you've been saving for months? Forget your lofty Permanent Press ideals, those dryers know of no such pleasantry. These are the kinds of things that infuriate me. I'm already very impolite with my dryer-hogging dispatchment of clothes for the sake of a speedier dry, because who really wants to spend their entire Sunday afternoon in a place like that? But no, turns out it takes 55 minutes to dry a handful of skivvies and two pairs of pants. Mmkay. South Park pinball machine or not, I'm over that experience. My parents' house it is.

Ok fine, I'm also pissed because I left a load of laundry in the dryer and had to drive back and since the clothes were still NOT DRY it means they were sitting there for an extra 45 minutes in their wetness getting wrinkled while I was busy forgetting and hanging clothes on the back porch so, you know, THEY COULD DRY.

p.s. I did get the high score playing Quik Match on their magic touch on my first try today, which I was unable to do last time. Gabby Rulzzz finally beat you, "Leon," and she's never coming back!

oh happy day

A couple reasons why I am having the most fabulous Cinco de Mayo on record:

1) Pizza! Where? In the office! So? That I didn't have to pay for! SWEET! I know!
2) Hearing "Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry on the radio, which I haven't heard in oh, years, and totally impressing myself by still knowing all the lyrics. What was he loik? What was he loik, anyway?
3) Hearing "Melt with You" on the radio right after, which is the song I croaked to M. in my morning voice while he was getting ready for work this morning.
4) A last minute decision to stop and get a root beer resulted in discovering that Reese's has a Limited Edition Peanut Butter Bar. Yes. A bar. It is delicious, just like the cups, I didn't even miss the little crown-y projections perfect for scraping off with teeth. It has more chocolate than the cups, just so you know. (No Dee will not be liking that.)
5) There are many, many margaritas in my future tonight. It's like Tequila's birthday today, and she's turning THE BEST BOOZE EVER.

she's a superconductor, alright

While deleting some old emails, I came upon a bunch from K-Pop, all with fantastic (albeit confusing) subject lines. No Dee used to have the best but she's been slacking lately.

(Which reminds me, I need to make a list of nicknames for all of my friends so you can figure out who you are so you know it when I'm talking about you. I'm trying to make it harder for people to Google you, so you're welcome!)

Ok, the email subject lines already:

beaver farming
failure to appear
gabble dee goo
my lizard kicks your moon's ass
pigpen rocks the dustcloud
does it hurt being so awesome?
malarial superconductor
JIGGA WHAT?????

and my favorite:
poupee mechanique

K-Pop, what does it mean?

It's my blog and I'll list if I want to

Foods so good I dream about them:
- guacamole
- hot & sour soup
- baklava

Addictions that might make me a Loser:
- mommy blogs
- crossword puzzles online (because you can check your answers, and yes, it totally makes me feel dumber instead of smarter, and I can't seem to finish the newspaper crosswords anymore because I can't check my answers and I have no one to blame but myself.)
- Dr. 90210
- reading Dear Margo, the advice column

Words most often found in crossword puzzles:
- tzar/csar
- ewe
- era
- eon

Things I just might be very proud of:
- knowing what Simon Cowell is going to say because I just thought it
- being able to identify celebrity voice-overs on commercials
- my Cranium skillz
- usually knowing what time it is, within ten minutes, without having to look at my watch

Most valuable and applicable skills learned:
- typing (and 10-key)
- ability to write a very formal letter
- neat handwriting
- parallel parking (why they don't have competitions for this, I don't know.)

Game shows I would totally suck at:
- Jeopardy!
- Dog Eat Dog

Game shows I would totally win:
- Lingo (can't you see me and No up there? we'd RAWK)
- Match Game (if it was still on the air)
- Wheel of Fortune

Things that might sounds weird but are actually very fun:
- playing Frisbee in water - think of the leaping and falling possibilities!
- riding roller coasters backwards
- while sitting shotgun on curvy country roads, stick your arms and upper torso out the window because it feels like a roller coaster and suddenly you get why dogs do that. Too bad they can't flail their arms around like humans, but maybe their flappity ears make up for it.
- looking up the astrological compatibility of all your friends' relationships
- looking up the astrological compatibility of your own relationship and deciding to never do that again because PSHAW, what does the computer know anyway?!

Alchoholic drinks they should make into hard candy:
- Margarita
- Tequila Sunrise
- Sex on the Beach
- White Russians
- Bailey's and coffee
(list alternately titled Gabby's Favorite Drinks)

Things I wish I knew how to do:
- shuck a clam
- drive a stick shift
- play the guitar
- speak fluent German
- fly a hot air balloon
- say NO to food and YES to exercise, though this Frisbee thing is wicked good
- play the drums

People, if you're feeling generous, tell me what you wish you knew how to do in the comments. I LOVE THE COMMENTS. And I LOVE YOU.