Post Secret

I found a really interesting website - Post Secret - and I highly recommend checking it out. Or even send something in yourself. I've been inspired and now I have to narrow down a good secret.

What is it? People mail in 4x6 postcards they've made with a secret on it. They all have some expressive element like a photo or collage. Some secrets are very silly, some are horrific. It's voyeurism without the scuzz factor because the people who create the cards obviously have something to get off their chests. It's updated once a week.

what we need is more angst

Ready for more diary entries?

Wednesday, Jan.20, 1993

Today was pretty good. Clinton's inauguration! I finished a really good book called Silver. It's now one of my favorites. I hope nobody reads this. I will write a lot of personal stuff right now. First, I like Ryan. He is really sweet to me. I was really mad at Becca and Heather when I first told them, they laughed. How rude! I never laugh when they tell me secrets. I told you that I would tell you about my friends so here I go. Becca seems to be my best friend. She is really sensitive and everyone teases her because she has really big breasts. It's not her fault, god dammit and I'm sick of it! Heather is my other best friend. She is short and cute. But she is always downing herself. She always says "I'm so ugly and fat!" I'm not sure about Nicky. She lied to us a lot. She told everyone she had her period, and she was lying. Then, as I said before she told us she was bi-sexual. We don't know if it's true or not. Jessica is her twin sister and is incredibly sweet. She is going out with this guy named Greg and everyone thinks it's a really bad couple. But she is sooooo sweet! Emily is pretty but she thinks she isn't. She could be popular but she is deaf in one ear and I think that is really being held against her. Last, Alex. She always brags and has kind of a short temper. She is really skinny, and gets whatever she wants. But she can be really sweet. Well, bye for now. I like having someone to tell my secrets to that can't tell anyone. And if someone reads you - don't worry! I won't be mad at you!

Poor Emily! Thinking back, she probably wasn't popular because she NEVER showered. We actually had an intervention at lunch one day and told her she should wash her hair and then proceeded to give her hairwashing tips, if you can believe it. What snide little brats we were.

You just can't make this crap up. I must've really been excited about describing my friends. Just another chance to gossip, I suppose. I am really thanking my 13-year-old self for documenting the INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT issues I faced (if for nothing else, the mockery it allows). If I'm being honest about it, I still think a lot about the tragic dynamics of preteen relationships; do the insecurity and ferocity they encourage become learned habits, especially when it comes to other women? There was always someone spraying gasoline on a situation just waiting, salivating, for a huge fucking explosion. Someone was always mad at someone. The struggle to become the pack leader, the one no one ever got mad at, was just a few drug convictions short of an organized dog fight. Whose side were you on, HUH? Better decide quick and then play both sides to keep yourself "safe." And let me tell you, I was always in the middle. Never on top, never on bottom.

Let's keep going, shall we? This is the MOST fun. Don't you want to know what happens with Ryan? Ha.

Friday, Jan. 29, 1993 (January was a busy month!)

This week has been the best! A cute (kind of) guy named Ryan is going to a movie with me and everyone else on Sunday. He said he "most likely" would kiss me. But Becca says that he said that to her too, but nothing happened. What should I expect? Anyway, he also said he might ask me out! My first "boyfriend." I'll write about the date later.

Ahem. 13-year-old me? You are a TOOL.

1) Don't you love how the week before I was defending my right to like Ryan and then suddenly, in my own personal diary, I can't even commit to the fact that I think he's CUTE?
2) Don't you love how I'm totally not concerned with the fact that my best friend had already been out on the date with this guy but still had the nerve to make fun of me for liking him?
3) Also the note the quotes around 'boyfriend,' as if it's some mythical thing that people talk about but no one has ever seen.

Oh god, I can't stop.

Tuesday, Feb. 2, 1993

Aaah! I had to miss my date with Ryan because I had too much to do at the barn! I stayed home sick on Monday, and then my mom made me go to the gynecologist. I called her every name in the book, and now I wish I hadn't. The doctor didn't even examine me. He just said that it was normal and after three months if it hadn't smoothed out, I would get examined. Yuck!

1) It would have been much more punk rock of me to have said Fuck! at the end, no?
2) The bit about missing my date with Ryan? Utter bullshit. I am bold-faced lying to my own diary at this point. Too much to do at the barn? Sure, I spent most of my weekends at the barn where my horse was kept, having riding lessons and generally fucking off with little supervision and a bunch of other spoiled preteen girls and their $30,000 horse-toys, but don't let me fool you into thinking I had fucking tasks at the barn. Jesus! And you can double down on the fact that I was definitely NOT sick on Monday. I was no dummy. I just had no goddamn spine. I'll tell you exactly what I was thinking - if I don't go to the movie, there's no disappointment to feel when he doesn't kiss me, and if I skip school on Monday when everyone's talking about this "date" that involved me and a guyandthreeofmyfriends, by Tuesday they'll be over the topic. I soon came to realize that this winner, Ryan, just wanted to feel up Becca's giant boobs and I was the perfect liaison (and oh what a pattern THAT would become). My crush on Ryan finally ended when he told Becca he might think I was cuter if I dropped a couple pounds. How I managed to avoid bulemia, I'll never know.

Stay tuned for more diary! And maybe, if I can find it, I'll crack open the poetry journal I kept during the Zoloft years!

(Also? Right now there's a commercial for Science Diet dog food that helps with excessive shedding, and the star of this ad is a dog named Gabby. Gabby has a shedding problem. Um, yeah she does.)

ahhhh (the worst title ever)

Those fucking dots were too much! I might end up disliking the minimalist look to this particular template, but for now it's a welcome change.

It's like rearranging the furniture, which I've been known to spearhead on countless occasions. I honestly don't know why more people don't do it. Some never do it, but I suggest at least once a year - I think I'm on a six-month schedule myself. It's like a brand new apartment every time! When I was younger I did this to my bedroom (since I had no say over the living room, which, trust me, I tried and tried to get my mom to rearrange and she wouldn't) which resulted in a 3-poster bed and a gigantic wooden wardrobe crashing down on me. Because I can move anything, and I've always known that. ANYTHING! With a few tried and true tricks, you too can move anything:

1) It's always easier to pull than to push, because when you push (especially something tall) you force the top of the thing to lean over the bottom, creating an unbalanced situation that usually results in something breaking. Really bad with bookcases. When you pull, you usually grab lower, which keeps the thing on it's center of gravity. Get down to the base of the thing.
2) Put socks under each corner of the heavy stuff for KY Jelly-like slideability. Also keeps stuff from scratching your floor all the fuck up.
3) Take frequent smoke breaks. This will allow you to survey the progress and rethink things. (Warning: it will also force you freak the fuck out for a second because you're losing energy and if you don't get the tv and cable set up before Hell's Kitchen comes on...crap, what did I get myself into??)
4) UNLOAD whatever it is you're moving, if it's a bookshelf or desk or whatever. It'll force you to notice all the nasty dust and it gives you an opportunity to rearrange your tchotchkes.
5) Get a pad of paper and draw the outline of your room on several sheets of paper. On each piece, draw your furniture arranged in a different way. It'll help you decide where to move what.
6) DON'T BE AFRAID! Rearranging furniture can seem daunting. Not only do you own some heavy shit, moving that shit can consume an entire afternoon, what with all the planning, unplugging, unloading, pulling, shoving, and dust bunny removal (more like dust doggies in my apartment), and restocking.
7) I'm really not sure why I felt the need to make this list. Surely you are capable of moving furniture without my advice. I'M BORED. MY BLOG.
8) Finally, don't be afraid to do something a little weird with the furniture. Put your couch in the middle of the living room (that's why they make "couch tables") or put it at an angle along a wall. Rotate your carpet off-center. You know, jazz it up a bit. If it's totally horrendo you can always change it back.

And that's how you rearrange your furniture. I apologize if I have sufficiently caused you great boredom. WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

oh crap...

did I just do that?

I think I just contacted Kaplan University about obtaining an online degree. I might have even filled out the FAFSA.

I think I talked to an admissions counselor for 30 minutes. I might have even laughed inappropriately when he told me I could start classes as soon as next week. Whatever happened to starting school in September?

I think I said something about a BS in Information Technology with an emphasis in Web Development. And perhaps I got a tiny bit giddy because I'm being considered for the Advanced Start BS meaning I already got my AA and I won't have to do the bullshit classes, and the word "advanced" is keeping me sane at the moment. Slightly.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT because I'm more than a little frightened at the idea of being solely responsible for my education. But damn, it sounds nice to never set foot in a classroom short on lefty desks and long on boring lectures.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT because it's $305 a credit hour, and if those FAFSA fairies don't loan me oh, I dunno, ALL OF THAT, I won't be attending any time soon. At least if they judge me solely on my 2005 tax return they'll see I'm one poor-ass chica. Can't I write a fucking awesome essay and get some sort of grant? "Grant" is the most beautiful word I've ever heard.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT because this just might be IT. No pun intended. Notify my mother.

funny ha-ha

So, apparently I really like to think that I'm funny, so much so that I bought a Father's Day card that is wrong so I can fix it in a funny way. The card goes like this:

On the front of the card it says:

"I know growing up I was sometimes a little difficult, a little stubborn, a bit of a know-it-all...but there was a good reason for it."

(open card)

"Heredity. Happy Father's Day"

I chuckled to myself when I saw this and immediately imagined drawing a line through "heredity" and then adding "oh...um...I guess I don't have a good reason."

HA! That's funny! Maybe not the way I've told it, but I know my dad will get a good chuckle out of that. And if doesn't, I WILL, and that's what's really important.

um, no! but also, yes please

Why did I take this stupid test? I really didn't need to know that I have a Capricorn personality. Not that I have something against Capricorns, I just never pictured myself as anything other than a fire sign. "concerned with traditional values"? HA! Ok, so maybe I can see the truth in the "never quite satisfied" bit. But "ruthless"? Ouch! I think I'd rather be called a selfish, stubborn Aries. Ruthless makes me sound like I'd cut your titty off if you didn't give me my roast beef sandwich fast enough.

You should take this test and tell me what you are (click on the box).


Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Also, this just might be the coolest thing I've seen in...oh, I dunno, awhile:



A tripod for your camera! You can leave your sexy photographer's assistant at home because she really hates following you around! (tell it, Hei.)

mmkay

I guess no one wants to comment. I'll get over it eventually.

In other news, someone left a lovely comment on the sidewalk out front.

Mm hm, that's right. This block with the many families and the gigantic elementary school is SUCH A BITCH. I mean, did you hear what she said about Margot??

tidbits (ok, longbits)

- Cybill Shepard is going to be on season four of The L Word. She'll play a straight mother who is also the dean at the college where Bette goes for a graduate degree, and she starts to question her sexuality. Oh, Bette. How did I know she'd be in the story line before I even got to her name?

- Hanging out with a man all the time is messing with my stuff a bit. My stuff being my period. I've spent most of my life surrounded by female friends, with a few extended stretches of male companionship in between. And everyone knows when you're around a lot of women, chances are your cycles will all get closer and closer until you are all downing Ben & Jerry's at the same time. The first year of menstruation as the exception, I have always been very regular. 28 days, totally normal. I would also venture to say that at many points I had the Alpha Ovary. Other people's cycles changed and mine seemingly bowed to no one. And with the sudden incorporation of a male into my everyday life and the subsequent dropping out of females, I'm ALL THE FUCK ASKEW. The first month this happened (the first month with M) I immediately thought I was pregnant. At that point I couldn't ever remember a time I was late, but that time? 5 FUCKING DAYS! Highly unusual. And you know what? I've been late ever since. 33 days. 31 days. 29 days...getting closer to normal...NOPE! Back up to 31 days and counting this month. I'm not sure why I'm so disturbed by this. I've narrowed it down to three possibilities.
1) I (sadly) don't spend much time with my female friends anymore and even at work I'm surrounded by men. I have no other ovaries to balance me out for the first time in a very long time.
2) Going from having no sex to tons of sex has somehow thrown me off. I like this theory, but so far I can only substantiate it by a little internet research that says that ovulation can be delayed by: traveling, stress, and most accurate for me, high levels of excitement - me and my ovaries are massively in love and it's making my eggs drowsy.
3) I might have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Now, I have no health insurance and probably won't until I get married or find a different job, so I won't find out the answer to this any time soon. I'm pretty sure the local free clinic doesn't help you with stuff like PCOS. Some of the symptoms of PCOS are all possibilities because I'm fat and relatively unhealthy - as yet undetected stuff, because I don't go to the doctor - things like high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol (my biological grandfather had a problem with this), skin tags - got my first one! and picked it off!, and finally, hair growth in unusual places - which for me is my chin. I know, EWWW. It's just one little hair, very, very red, and I feel for that mofo everyday and pluck it immediately because GOD FORBID I let it get long and someone sees it and recoils with appropriate horror. But Rosie O'Donnell had one, and she put a bead on it! So. I'm kind of confused about all the irregularity and I'm just really hoping it's not PCOS because if that's the case I could run into some fertility problems, which...I've read some seriously heartbreaking blogs written by infertile women (an off-shoot of reading mommy blogs, which I REFUSE to be embarrassed about because DAMN, those women are funny) and while I now feel educated about infertility, I never thought of myself as an infertile. Who does, though? It's probably not PCOS because this all started with M coming into my life, and you'd think I would've had PCOS for awhile. Maybe I just need to hang out with my friends more (though they don't tell me regularly how unbelievably beautiful I am, or that they love the way my hips look when my comfy pants are hanging low around my waist, so you can see why I'm more partial to M right now). And now I'm done about my period. Sorry.

- I really can't stand people sometimes. I was at a lovely party last weekend, a party so lovely Charades was suggested and accepted as a group activity. I was pretty excited about it because I've never actually played Charades. Also, I was in charge (self-appointed) of making the clues for the other team. Mmmmm. POWER. At this party was a man we all know through the coffeehouse and his new boyfriend. They were all over each other. That is, while this man wasn't making fun of my man. M started giggling about something at one point and could not stop. Mean man, we'll call him Fucker, starts in on M and calls him a stoner and makes fun of him for laughing so much. WTF? He's having a good time! Let him be! But no. When M gets up for his turn at Charades, he kind of stands there clueless for a second while he tries to figure out how to act out his clue. Something about M's expression caused me to start laughing pretty hard at him. Do you know what that ass Fucker said? "Why are you laughing? You're the one that brought him!" WHOOAAAA Fucker. Back your jackass up a second. Nobody's making jokes about your amputated foot. No one's making jokes when YOUR boyfriend, 1/2 your age, incomprehensibly acts out a very easy clue and no one gets it, causing a loss of a point in a very tight game. I HATE people like that, and by "like that" I mean people with such self-esteem issues that they make others look bad just so they feel better; fucking overgrown bullies. Maybe it's because M is like ten times more attractive than Fucker. Maybe it's because M wasn't shy about feeling silly and Fucker was having none of that nonsense, GOD FORBID someone's giddy. Whatever it was, I was furious, but M? Just kept laughing and pretended Fucker didn't exist. ANOTHER reason I'm so completely in love with him.

- Hypothetical for ya: You have a friend who is very happy and wants to get married. Soon. (As in, within the next year). She has a relatively large family and a gaggle of really wonderful friends, all of whom she'd want to invite if she had a "normal" wedding. Her man has very few friends and family members. Should she have a wedding, it would be very lopsided. Meanwhile, she'd love to elope. It will be the groom's second wedding and he's told the bride it's all about her, which while very sweet, leaves her feeling like it's all up to her, and that's a lot. Of course, the bride's mother would be crushed if she missed her only daughter's wedding. Still, elopement is highly romantic and undeniably easy. Bride hasn't been dreaming about a big white wedding since childhood. Well, not, like obsessing the way some girls do. Should she:
a) elope first and apologize later, with lots of pictures at the ready, and then mail out announcements to friends and extended family
b) elope and then plan a reception for a later date with mom's help to help ease the disappointment mom will feel
c) pick a date, tell mom, and let her help the bride plan a wedding with only immediate family so it doesn't alienate the groom's party and have a nice dinner instead of a big reception
d) pick a date, tell mom, and plan a "normal" wedding, meaning all extended family and all friends are invited, and who cares if the groom's side is a little small.

All hypothetical, of course. The lovely couple would surely appreciate your opinion. If you've never commented, now's the time. Nobody cares if you do it anonymously because you don't want the bride to know what you really think. Just say something. And a response like "Do what you feel in your heart" is sweet but not helpful because in the bride's heart, ALL of these options are right.

just entertaining myself, nothing important

I saw this on a blog and I'm totally stealing it.

10 Years Ago: I was sixteen and school was almost out for the summer. It would be the first summer with a lot of freedom because I just got my driver's license. I think we went to MoKaBe's a whole bunch and played pool. I was in the middle of forging the best friendships I've ever had in my life. I was also on Zoloft and my body ballooned a bit as a result, but in the end it helped me immensely. I quit taking it when I went to college without consulting a doctor first, and it was a great decision.
5 Years Ago: I had just turned 21. I was getting ready to move into a townhouse with my brother, which coincided with my parents moving full-time out to Innsbrook (an hour away). They wanted a place to stay when they didn't feel like driving all the way home, so they had their own room in the townhouse. NOT a fun situation. They showed up whenever they wanted, which seriously irked me. This was all my mother's idea, which I believe she concocted after a certain ex-boyfriend of mine decided to rearrange my face. I think she liked to believe that I was safer living with my brother, which I probably was. ANYWAY.
1 Year Ago: I was living in Chicago with Noe D, but we decided to move back to St. Louis. I do believe about a year ago to the week Dave and I broke up over the phone (while I was at work). This was after we'd been apart for a year and a half, and even though I told him that he was a major reason I was moving back, I guess I didn't really mean it. He was afraid to tell me he wanted to break up because I was moving back, but I gave him an out. He seemed really down on the phone and I said "Are you okay?" and he said "I don't know," and I said "Would you be better if we weren't together?" and he said "I think so," and that was that. It was quite civil. Lots of promises to stay friends blah blah. Does anyone actually believe that shit? But look at me now, a year later, happier than a pig in cold mud.
Yesterday: Went to a great party at Kim & Jacky's new apartment! So cool! It really does look fantastic. I also found out it has been approved that I help the other receptionist with her unbelievable work load. I do nothing, she gets no relief. We're trying to balance that out, even though it means her division will now be paying part of my salary! Whatevs. I'm just glad I'll have something to do!
Today: Had totally unhealthy breakfast at South City Diner. We ate on the patio and the sun beat down on my back but it actually felt good because it wasn't hot yet. Our waitress had about 15 piercings in her face but was wearing a poodle skirt, which made me a little giddy. Had some relations with my man friend. I won't go on about that because you all would probably wretch.
Tomorrow: Endless possibilities! Okay, not really. I hate Sundays. I always feel the pressure to clean or dust or wash something but I can't say that actually happens. M and I go to bed pretty early and I don't think there's anything more disturbing than being wide awake at 7:00 on a Sunday morning. Fuck that shit. Except it happens all the time. If it's hot we might go swimming.
5 Snacks I enjoy: Quite possibly this list is only fun for me! Sorry! My favorite snacks...guacamole & chips, popsicles, pecans (M's fault, his brother has a store and sells fresh ones and they are SO GOOD), Bugles, and frozen grapes, which taste like little balls of grape sorbet. Good stuff.
I know MOST of all the lyrics by these 5 bands: Ani, Dave Matthews (and that's a feat, cuz the dude is incomprehensible), Tori Amos (ditto), Garth Brooks (shut the fuck up! we had a great thing going back in the day, and do you know how hard it is to forget lyrics?), and...shit, I dunno, u2?
5 Things I would do with $100,000,000: Quit my job and travel for at least a month. I'd say more but what would my kitties do? Seriously, they'd be SO MAD at me. Right now they've taken to shitting in undesignated areas when I lock them out of the bedroom for the night, so I can only imagine the punishment I'd get IF they even remembered me. Where was I? Right. I'd buy the house of my dreams and secure a nice beach house. I'd buy my nearest and dearest new houses. I'd get myself a ridiculously nice car. All the boring stuff.
5 Locations I’d like to run away to: Bali, the Adirondack mountains, Florence, Berlin, and Nova Scotia.
5 Bad Habits I have: smoking, laziness, procrastination, saying "dude," and watching totally ridiculous IQ-lowering reality tv.
5 Things I Like Doing: smoking, having sex, traveling, eating Mexican food, and playing board games. Definitely not in that order.
5 Things I would Never Wear: espadrilles, coulottes, gaucho pants, stiletto heels, or spandex.
5 TV Shows I like: the Daily Show, the Colbert Report, Big Love, 24, and Weeds.
5 Movies I like: Shag, Pulp Fiction, A Fish Called Wanda, Stand By Me, and the Royal Tenenbaums.
5 Famous People I’d Like To Meet: Ellen, Jon Stewart, Kate Winslet, Karen O, and Matthew McConaughey (I might even ask to smell his armpit.)
5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: my boyfriend, my friends, swimming, the AC in the bedroom (I'm still not over it) and popsicles.
5 Favorite Toys: the 20 Questions hand-held game (how THE FUCK does it know?), M's Sirius satellite radio, Taboo, computers, CD burners.

That was fun! I seriously need a popsicle now.