what we need is more angst

Ready for more diary entries?

Wednesday, Jan.20, 1993

Today was pretty good. Clinton's inauguration! I finished a really good book called Silver. It's now one of my favorites. I hope nobody reads this. I will write a lot of personal stuff right now. First, I like Ryan. He is really sweet to me. I was really mad at Becca and Heather when I first told them, they laughed. How rude! I never laugh when they tell me secrets. I told you that I would tell you about my friends so here I go. Becca seems to be my best friend. She is really sensitive and everyone teases her because she has really big breasts. It's not her fault, god dammit and I'm sick of it! Heather is my other best friend. She is short and cute. But she is always downing herself. She always says "I'm so ugly and fat!" I'm not sure about Nicky. She lied to us a lot. She told everyone she had her period, and she was lying. Then, as I said before she told us she was bi-sexual. We don't know if it's true or not. Jessica is her twin sister and is incredibly sweet. She is going out with this guy named Greg and everyone thinks it's a really bad couple. But she is sooooo sweet! Emily is pretty but she thinks she isn't. She could be popular but she is deaf in one ear and I think that is really being held against her. Last, Alex. She always brags and has kind of a short temper. She is really skinny, and gets whatever she wants. But she can be really sweet. Well, bye for now. I like having someone to tell my secrets to that can't tell anyone. And if someone reads you - don't worry! I won't be mad at you!

Poor Emily! Thinking back, she probably wasn't popular because she NEVER showered. We actually had an intervention at lunch one day and told her she should wash her hair and then proceeded to give her hairwashing tips, if you can believe it. What snide little brats we were.

You just can't make this crap up. I must've really been excited about describing my friends. Just another chance to gossip, I suppose. I am really thanking my 13-year-old self for documenting the INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT issues I faced (if for nothing else, the mockery it allows). If I'm being honest about it, I still think a lot about the tragic dynamics of preteen relationships; do the insecurity and ferocity they encourage become learned habits, especially when it comes to other women? There was always someone spraying gasoline on a situation just waiting, salivating, for a huge fucking explosion. Someone was always mad at someone. The struggle to become the pack leader, the one no one ever got mad at, was just a few drug convictions short of an organized dog fight. Whose side were you on, HUH? Better decide quick and then play both sides to keep yourself "safe." And let me tell you, I was always in the middle. Never on top, never on bottom.

Let's keep going, shall we? This is the MOST fun. Don't you want to know what happens with Ryan? Ha.

Friday, Jan. 29, 1993 (January was a busy month!)

This week has been the best! A cute (kind of) guy named Ryan is going to a movie with me and everyone else on Sunday. He said he "most likely" would kiss me. But Becca says that he said that to her too, but nothing happened. What should I expect? Anyway, he also said he might ask me out! My first "boyfriend." I'll write about the date later.

Ahem. 13-year-old me? You are a TOOL.

1) Don't you love how the week before I was defending my right to like Ryan and then suddenly, in my own personal diary, I can't even commit to the fact that I think he's CUTE?
2) Don't you love how I'm totally not concerned with the fact that my best friend had already been out on the date with this guy but still had the nerve to make fun of me for liking him?
3) Also the note the quotes around 'boyfriend,' as if it's some mythical thing that people talk about but no one has ever seen.

Oh god, I can't stop.

Tuesday, Feb. 2, 1993

Aaah! I had to miss my date with Ryan because I had too much to do at the barn! I stayed home sick on Monday, and then my mom made me go to the gynecologist. I called her every name in the book, and now I wish I hadn't. The doctor didn't even examine me. He just said that it was normal and after three months if it hadn't smoothed out, I would get examined. Yuck!

1) It would have been much more punk rock of me to have said Fuck! at the end, no?
2) The bit about missing my date with Ryan? Utter bullshit. I am bold-faced lying to my own diary at this point. Too much to do at the barn? Sure, I spent most of my weekends at the barn where my horse was kept, having riding lessons and generally fucking off with little supervision and a bunch of other spoiled preteen girls and their $30,000 horse-toys, but don't let me fool you into thinking I had fucking tasks at the barn. Jesus! And you can double down on the fact that I was definitely NOT sick on Monday. I was no dummy. I just had no goddamn spine. I'll tell you exactly what I was thinking - if I don't go to the movie, there's no disappointment to feel when he doesn't kiss me, and if I skip school on Monday when everyone's talking about this "date" that involved me and a guyandthreeofmyfriends, by Tuesday they'll be over the topic. I soon came to realize that this winner, Ryan, just wanted to feel up Becca's giant boobs and I was the perfect liaison (and oh what a pattern THAT would become). My crush on Ryan finally ended when he told Becca he might think I was cuter if I dropped a couple pounds. How I managed to avoid bulemia, I'll never know.

Stay tuned for more diary! And maybe, if I can find it, I'll crack open the poetry journal I kept during the Zoloft years!

(Also? Right now there's a commercial for Science Diet dog food that helps with excessive shedding, and the star of this ad is a dog named Gabby. Gabby has a shedding problem. Um, yeah she does.)