let there be baby

guess what I did this morning?

(you can click on it to see it larger.)

Yes! I have a kicking little dervish in there! I can't tell you how much more real it feels now. And can I just tell you? Don't yell at me, but I just had my very first pap and I just feel so gall-dang grown up. I love my new doctor. She sort of looks like Sandra Oh, but hotter. I didn't even care that there was a random student in there with us that actually wielded the speculum. I can't complain because everything was great. But how come no one told me paps aren't exactly comfortable?

I tell ya what was comfortable. Two hot young uniformed professionals feeling my tits up at the same time! Which never would've happened had that student not been having her lesson. Of course I was more worried that they were sloshing through under-tit sweat as it was a bazillion degrees in that office, so I can safely say it only turned dirty in my head for like 1/2 a second instead of the ten it deserved.

Then they stuck a condom-covered dildo up my hootch and did an ultrasound with it. It took two seconds for the doctor to find the bebe. She said, "whoa, that baby is kickin'!" which made my heart leap and I might have gasped. Its little legs were thrashing everywhere. It was totally fucking surreal. Still is. I mean, come on...look at that top picture...that is totally a baby! The head, the belly, the little legs. I watched as she measured different areas and zoomed in on an ovarian cyst, which she assured me was normal and probably temporary. It's been hell waiting for this appointment, especially because all of the other preggos in the Oct. 07 pregnancy forum have ultrasound pics to wave around. They had peace of mind and a picture to go with it almost a whole month before I did. But I got so much more out of seeing this human-like image than I would've been if I had had an 8 week ultrasound. I'd rather see this than a black blob with splotches. This? Recognizably the beginnings of my first child.

Dr. Sandra-but-Hotter printed out my pictures and I fairly skipped out of there. Oh, I have to go get my blood drawn now? No problem! I have a kickin' bean in mah belleh! Stick me all you want...Yolanda? Hi, Yolanda. I just saw my baby on the ultrasound for the first time! Dear Yolanda sweetly distracted me from the poking and sucking of blood (as if I needed distraction) with a story about how she was told she was having a girl she started putting all kinds of cute stuff on layaway and she was all excited because her little girl was fixin' to be lookin' good. And then she had a boy. Oh Yolanda. I've never been so happy to have blood drawn in my life. In fact, maybe I've never been so happy ever.

*Edited to add - I really hope this doesn't looked as jacked up on your screen as it does on mine. I can see like 1/3 of the picture. But clicking on it works. In fact if you didn't, I highly suggest it. :)

oh dear

Eventually I'm not going to fit into most of my clothes. Currently I can fit into everything, in fact everything feels loose.

Eventually I'm going to be big as a house (hopefully).

So I searched "plus-size maternity" online.

GOD HELP ME. Or perhaps, GOD HELP THE WOMEN WHO PURCHASE THIS NONSENSE.

Hey, you know what's really flattering? When you're modeling clothes and you shove your head back as far as it can go! It does wonders for the chin. Really fantastic. And the chick in the middle (above)? I'm pretty sure they found her wandering near a mental hospital.


I think my mom wore that ensemble in the middle everyday during the 80s. Shoes included.

The, um, frock on the right - doesn't it make her look like she has two pregnant bellies stacked under there? Because THAT IS THE GOAL. To look TWICE AS PREGNANT, VERTICALLY.


Then, just when I begin to hyperventilate, I find something wearable on the same website. As Oprah would say, "Hallelu-yer."


I HAD to decapitate the model who was ruining this otherwise harmless tracksuit. Seriously. Nobody brushed her hair but it sure looked like they gave her a hit of crack.

Don't you love my mad photo shopping skills?

Once I'd snickered and gasped my way through the rest of the "collection," I made my way back to the search results page and crossed my fingers. You know those links at the top of the search page that take you to sponsored websites? It's a good move. If they can pay to make you notice them, chances are people actually buy from them.

Things are starting to look brighter. Not, you know, amazing or anything. But normal? YESSS.




I can do tee-shirts!

And I don't have to suck it in when I'm big and pregnant because shiiiiit. I'm PREGNANT. If there is ever a time to not suck it in...can you even suck it in when you're that pregnant?

I didn't appreciate this website's use of of ONE model for every single item. I guess she was the cutest of the chunky pregnant chicks at the office. Or maybe she was the ONLY chunky pregnant chick?

I'm feeling more hopeful at this point. Especially when I peruse another sponsor website and happen upon...whoa. What's this? Why, these are things I'd wear when NOT pregnant! In fact...should I have been maternity shopping, like, forever?



Gobsmacked! The cuteness!

And most of it is actually CHEAPER than that sorry mess at the top of this post.

Everything is going to be okay.

Everything but the credit card.

only 25% about being pregnant

Some things:

- Do you know who Paula Deen is? She has a cooking show on the Food Network. She is exactly you'd want your grandma to be (though I bet she'd want to be called Nan) with her luxurious comfort foods and a demeanor sweet enough to charm even the coldest of hearts. I dare you to watch her and not find yourself smiling ear to ear. She is so extremely Southern. When she says "y'all" (which is a lot) it sounds like "yow-well," with five syllables somehow worked in there, and she is always giggling like she's surrouded by her best Ya-Ya-ish friends. I bet her farts smell like peaches 'n cream. (And if you find yourself home during the day, try to watch the Barefoot Contessa right after (or before...? shit) Paula's show. I LOVE the Barefoot Contessa. She and her husband TOTALLY still do it.)

- Ever watch Samantha Brown's shows on the Travel Channel? At first I was all "who is this corny chick?" but then? After watching a few episodes? She's so cute and fun! And she stays in the coolest hotels, sometimes off the beaten track but usually they are expensive, hip, or historically relevant. I admit she wears pants that make me stare at her crotch. Weird. I feel terribly sorry for her that she gets sent to many wonderful places without a damn companion. Seriously, she must really get tired of that. I think it would be pretty funny if she had someone travel with her that was always next to her but never spoke, like Teller. They could just sort of pretend to be oblivious. It could work! Don't you think?

- Okay, I got through two topics without mentioning pregnancy and it was hard. It's sort of a life-consumer. My current Issue with pregnancy is that I can already feel a sense of it's all about being pregnant. My brother's girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday: "pregancy related baby stuff or Gabby stuff only?" I think we all know I said GABBY STUFF ONLY. Please. Let me maintain SOME sense of individuality while I can because in a handful of months I will barely have a name anymore. All the freckles will probably fall off my face, my tattoo will reshape itself into a pacifier and my boobs, well, they won't be mine or Micah's anymore. They'll be fucking TOOLS. In fact, that is what I will be come. A giant tool.

- Ever fall in love with a food? (What a dumb question.) I'm talking about a food relationship that honestly might just complete you. I know it's normal to go through stages with food. For about two years in high school all I drank at home was orange juice, which was a stage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have begun a relationship with a food that I will be eating forever. PECANS, if you can believe it. Now, I have always loved pecan pie, which always tastes best if you're in a place where they call them pee-cans instead of pee-cahns. Pee-can pie is the best. But I wasn't a fan of just plain ol' pecans until recently. Micah's brother owns a quirky Native American souvenir shop. For some reason, he sells ginormous bags of "blown nuts." Yes, that's what the big yellow sticker says. Technically they are cracked and blown, meaning the shells are cracked and then the nuts are put in front of a strong fan that blows most of the shell away, but not all of it. The result is a very satisfying snack that you sort of have to work for, but working for it is definitely half the fun. Of course, it's always exciting to find a totally shell-free one. So when Micah first bought a bag of these I thought good lord, that's a big fucking bag of nuts! because who really ever needs more than a can of nuts? I'll tell you who. Blown pecan eaters. I'd say over the past year we've shared about 8 bags of nuts (they're sort of expensive, and Bob doesn't always have them when we visit). Well. A week ago I decided NEED BLOWN PECANS NOW. ME AND BABY NEED SOME MOTHER EFFING PECANS. But Bob lives an hour away so I had to wait until the weekend. As in yesterday. I am knee-deep in pecans and loving every second. If you don't eat pecans, what the fuck is wrong witcha? They taste like salty, buttery maple syrup!

- Did I really just go on an on about some goddamn NUTS? Pregnant. Leave me alone.

- Which is another mystery of being pregnant. Do I desperately want to maintain who I am and not be defined by what's growing in my abdomen? Yes. Do I pink fluffy heart LOVE that it has also made me sort of powerful? HELL YES. I feel like I can get away with just about anything which is not good. Not good because I was sort of selfish to begin with and...well, fuck. In October it's never going to be about me again so...maybe I won't feel so bad about letting the bitch flag fly!

- I'm going to go Google pecans + pregnancy. I bet they're all sortsa hella good.

- Did I mention I'm taking a grammar and editing class this term?

- Pecans help fight high cholesterol! A handful of pecans a day can greatly reduce your risk of heart disease! Pecans are high in protein, potassium, zinc, vitamin E, magnesium, and folic acid!

- I think I am starting to feel better. Quick! Knock on some wood! Shit! Did I just jinx it? Shit!

week 10: OH COME ON

Looks like my body doesn't give a shit about that whole "the ninth week is the worst week" thing. The only time I don't battle nausea is from wake-up to mid-morning. The rest of the day is a battle. I have no appetite, but yet if I don't eat I feel even sicker.

I've also realized that being pregnant is terribly isolating. I feel alone. I feel like no one could understand what it's like to feel so emotionally ragged, to experience such discordance with my normal apetite, to be constipated, tired at unfortunate times and then toss and turn all night...fuck. I could go on and on.

I get unsolicited advice from those who have no business advising. Reading about pregnancy and all the birth planning is overwhelming and it sort of makes me sick to read about it. I honestly think that I could go the rest of this pregnancy without knowing anything else. I've seen A Baby Story a million times. Isn't that enough?

Micah has it in his head that we don't need the cats anymore because they are filthy. I remind him that they've been in my life longer than he has. That doesn't seem to get me anywhere. He's had pets before and he's decided that life is so much easier (and cleaner) without them. I don't know what to do about this because I really don't want to give any of the animals away. I'd be bitter about it for the rest of my life. Yet I know when the baby is here (and in the last few uncomfortable months) the last thing I'm going to want to do is pet the cat in their needy moments because SORRY - there's an even needier little human in the house. I find it terribly interesting that Micah liked the cats at first - nay - PRETENDED to like the cats at first. What, to make me like him more? He says it's all about the baby now. He doesn't like the idea of the filthy animals getting our area filthier. You know what else is terribly interesting? That this all started when I let Micah know he'd be cleaning the litter box for the next nine months.

But then today he apologized up and down for the scene he caused last night. Perhaps I'm not the only one suffering from baby-related anxiety.

I can't eat a proper lunch or dinner. Do you know how frustrating that is? Mostly whatever we have in the house, I don't want. Yet I can think of ten things from nearby restaurants that sounds delicious. Until it's in front of me. Then I take a few bites and start crying because it's just not what I wanted it to be.

YEAH. Pregnancy SUCKS. If someone tells you different? Punch 'em in the fucking neck for me.

week 9: pukefest '07

Want to know what I brought to eat to work today? Because letting my stomach get empty brings forth Satan and all his horned beasts?

- one PB&J with giant holes in the bread, don't you hate holes in the bread?
- six string cheeses (or should it be strings cheese?)
- two cheddar cheese sticks (what? i'm concerned about my calcium intake)
- one tapioca pudding
- two 7ups
- 1 stack of Ritz crackers because Micah is not familiar with saltines (?!)
- 1 piece of banana pound cake from the gas station because mmmm banana pound cake
- one peach fruit cup
- one pear fruit cup

Yeah. I'm prepared. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to post about just how goddamn nauseating it is to be pregnant in the first trimester. At the start of week 9 I read this in my pregnancy book:

"How you're feeling physically: Your nauseating hCG levels are at their peak this week. The good news is that starting next week, as your hormones stabilize, you'll start feeling a lot better. The bad news is that this week is probably going to be rough."

Pshaw, thought I! I was already at the the third day of week 9 and I hadn't noticed any increased nausea. I certainly wasn't throwing up, just almost there just keep swallowing.

A few hours later I was throwing up all over the place and going home early because there was definitely foulness on my clothes. It's a horrible feeling, and it didn't only last that day. The past three days can be summed up as such: GODDAMN MISERABLE.


If I don't keep my stomach full it's bad news bears, and let me tell you - it's hard to keep myself feeling full when all I feel like eating is pudding and fruit smoothies. I have never had to force-feed myself in my life until now. Once my stomach is empty enough to feel nauseous it takes everything in my power to put food in my mouth, because WHO THE FUCK wants to eat when they're nauseous? But that's the only cure. And god forbid I let the empty stomach stay empty longer than ten minutes, for I will surely be hurling in no time. The funny thing is once I puke there's a window of eating opportunity that I must seize, and if I do all will be well for at least two hours. Yesterday after pulling over to puke in a (leaking) bag I made a beeline for McDonalds and was able to successfully enjoy a cheeseburger and french fries, which I find very odd considering mostly I find meat repulsive these days. Those fries, though...holy hamster those things are good.

At this point you are probably sick of reading about me feeling sick. I'm definitely sick of it, but quite honestly that is the only thing remarkable about this pregnancy so far. But I have not smoked a cigarette in three weeks! Pretty sure my little fetus is pumping her fist in the air (womb juice?) for me. Speaking of the bean, wanna see what she looks like right about now?

(This week I'm convinced it's a girl because a couple different people told me that's why I'm craving fruit. And that's not even old wives tale fodder - these people are genuine fruit-craving girl-birthers.)


Want to see something scary that has nothing to do with me being pregnant? Thought you might.

Go read this and then come back. Go.

Are you not frightened? What the fuck happened to her? Scary.

(You should bookmark that site, Dorothy Surrenders, it's good blog for all lesbian-related pop culture shtuff and sometimes just random posts about hot stars and what they're up to . I likey, and so will you.)

So. Ya got some baby names for me yet?

oh no you did not

So where was I? Baby names! There is no shortage of baby name resources on the internet. Some sites are great. Others...let's just say when the site is mostly driven by the "Add a name!" feature...they are begging for Crazy. And Crazy is what they get. My search for a cute baby name suddenly became a search for the most Crazy, at least on this particular site.

This is what happens when vowels are allowed to run amok. I promise I didn't make any of these up. But someone else obviously did. Have they no shame.

What I will NOT be naming my child:

Ayricka
Alicealeigh
Angelstarfyre
Brookelynn
Byronica
Breoshanae
Chantalice
Cynnamon
Dangerosa
Davenity
Dazzaray ("it's just a pretty name" is the description the sender-inner wrote. Most do not have descriptions, as it is clear even to the offenders that they are just pulling these out of their vowel-happy asses)
Deianeira
Dezahara
Dionynshia
Ece
Emmeleigh (Emily? Anyone? Hello?)
Enellra
Fenollosia
Glorivette
Gulchehra
Heavenleigh
Issariyahnah
Itzcallie (so, what you'd name your baby? Itzcallie. Aww, Callie! That's cute! No. Itzcallie. That's what I said.)
Jaeleigh
Jamanda
Jewleigha (I hope this is a joke.)
Katrynncia
Keandreanna
Kortknee
Launijana (did you not think "marijuana" at first glance?)
Leajenique
Ludiclaire
Malayshia (naming kids after third world countries but adding a letter to disguise it? all the rage.)
Mandorallyn
Maryannabelle (pick ONE. ONE!)
Nunavut
Nutan
Onyxia
Oravee (totally sounds like a toothpaste)
Paisleigh (I've 'bout had it with all the "leigh" bastardization)
Patheka
Psyrenity ("Her name is Serenity. But, like, with a "p." You know, a "p"...like in...psychology.")
Quirsten
Remembrance
Revalation (at least fucking spell it right.)
Rockalina (how very punk)
Shadonna
Shampaigne (at least FUCKING spell it RIGHT.)
Stormi
Tangelina
Taydence
Tykayla
Unique
Ureeka
Vesselina
Vilka
Whissper
Wiski (these are my twins Wiski and Vodkah!)
Wyleigh (and so it continues)
Xaiylah
Xyffra
Yoshabelle
Yshca
Zaeleigh (and so it ends)

I'm sort of afraid to put a list of names I AM considering, because that will give you tons of time to judge and tell me stories of people who have ruined that name. I will say I have a penchant for old-fashioned names like Mabel. I don't care so much about it being a surprise - hell, I already have the boy name picked out and I haven't been shy about it - but a girl? I dunno. Is it weird that I find it more important? If it's a boy it'll be Henry William. Possibly. Don't hold me to it. I think Henry is just about the cutest, most respectable name a little boy can grow into a man with. Mannwich. Mmm...sloppy joes sound good.

week 8: I love you, I hate you, I wanna eat you

Well. I have a half a mind to announce that pregnancy is for the birds. Then again, when I feel good, I feel great. But when I want to barf? Or if I'm even a little bit hungry? I feel totally miserable. And I know that's normal. In fact, they say that not having morning sickness is not a good sign.

The thing is? This morning was the first time I actually puked, and I made myself do it. I'm not now nor have I ever been bulemic, but I do know how to make myself puke and I'm not afraid to do it. Bring on that sweet relief, I say. Take control of your nausea. Don't let it run your life!

At first the nausea only happened when I had nothing in my stomach. On Saturday Micah took me out to breakfast, the diner kind, and on the way home (I wasn't driving - big mistake - I'm a carsicker) for the first time with a full belly, I wanted to hurl all over the place. My head hung out the window like a damn dog all the way home. I blame the greasy hash browns. But this morning I had Cinnamon Spice oatmeal, an orange, and a handful of Craisins. So nice and healthy. My body wanted nothing to do with it. Interestingly enough, as soon as I puked I made a pb & j and ate that without a problem. Let me tell you, it is SO WEIRD to be pregnant. I'm all frikakta.

And here's where it goes all over the place.

Beef, steak, and Taco Bell: you are on notice. I hate you. But maybe I also love you? Because while I wanted to puke while looking at Micah's steak omelette, I also devoured 1/2 of his Philly Cheese Steak sandwich later that same day. And poor Taco Bell - once hailed as my favorite fast food joint, I now shudder at the mere mention.

Hello, sex! How you doin'? There's all kinds of extra blood flowing down under, which makes it really fantastic and it totally melts me. When it actually happens. Between getting up at 6:00 to take the dog out and getting tired at 8:00, it's hard to find time to git 'er done. And sometimes I am so fantastically bitchy that Micah knows not to even try.

Speaking of bitchy. Can we talk mood swings? One minute I want to cut off both of the penises in the house, burn them a little, then hang them on the front door as a warning. The next minute I want every creature cuddled in the bed with me, an impossibility considering one cat wants to claw the dog's eyeballs out. I love my husband! I HATE MY HUSBAND. GO AWAY. No, baby, come back. I love you. Do you know you are SO HOT? Let's do it.

So basically, I feel like a crazy person. All the time. If I hate something one second I will no doubt love it the next. I have read that this type of craziness could last all nine months.

FRUUUUIT. I love you, fruit. Wanna make out? Maybe we should get all orgy about it and bring in the sorbet. Yeahhh. That's the ticket.

Though I do think it's a bit early to discuss it, I can't stop thinking about baby names. Would you be disgusted if I told you that I've had a list of baby names on my computer for like a year? It's important. Very. And I'd love to hear your suggestions. Seriously! Just don't cry when I don't pick yours. But what if I picked yours? You'd feel so goddamn special, no? I would know - my one friend who is already a mom picked my suggestion. So don't be shy.

I've only known I'm pregnant for one week. It feels like so much longer. In fact, time in general seemed to slow down when I found out.

And on Friday when Micah brought home a gift from his boss's wife, it really, really sank in. Our first baby gift. Two adorable yellow outfits. Entirely too soon for a gift like that, but you know it made me cry anyway.

Now. Dig me up some baby names.