oh dear

Eventually I'm not going to fit into most of my clothes. Currently I can fit into everything, in fact everything feels loose.

Eventually I'm going to be big as a house (hopefully).

So I searched "plus-size maternity" online.

GOD HELP ME. Or perhaps, GOD HELP THE WOMEN WHO PURCHASE THIS NONSENSE.

Hey, you know what's really flattering? When you're modeling clothes and you shove your head back as far as it can go! It does wonders for the chin. Really fantastic. And the chick in the middle (above)? I'm pretty sure they found her wandering near a mental hospital.


I think my mom wore that ensemble in the middle everyday during the 80s. Shoes included.

The, um, frock on the right - doesn't it make her look like she has two pregnant bellies stacked under there? Because THAT IS THE GOAL. To look TWICE AS PREGNANT, VERTICALLY.


Then, just when I begin to hyperventilate, I find something wearable on the same website. As Oprah would say, "Hallelu-yer."


I HAD to decapitate the model who was ruining this otherwise harmless tracksuit. Seriously. Nobody brushed her hair but it sure looked like they gave her a hit of crack.

Don't you love my mad photo shopping skills?

Once I'd snickered and gasped my way through the rest of the "collection," I made my way back to the search results page and crossed my fingers. You know those links at the top of the search page that take you to sponsored websites? It's a good move. If they can pay to make you notice them, chances are people actually buy from them.

Things are starting to look brighter. Not, you know, amazing or anything. But normal? YESSS.




I can do tee-shirts!

And I don't have to suck it in when I'm big and pregnant because shiiiiit. I'm PREGNANT. If there is ever a time to not suck it in...can you even suck it in when you're that pregnant?

I didn't appreciate this website's use of of ONE model for every single item. I guess she was the cutest of the chunky pregnant chicks at the office. Or maybe she was the ONLY chunky pregnant chick?

I'm feeling more hopeful at this point. Especially when I peruse another sponsor website and happen upon...whoa. What's this? Why, these are things I'd wear when NOT pregnant! In fact...should I have been maternity shopping, like, forever?



Gobsmacked! The cuteness!

And most of it is actually CHEAPER than that sorry mess at the top of this post.

Everything is going to be okay.

Everything but the credit card.