the future me

I had some trouble deleting my yahoo email account when I changed my name and wanted a new address to reflect it. I forgot that I never actually deleted that email. I checked it today and found 606 messages, all of which were spam, except one. How I managed to spot it in my spam-deleting frenzy, I don't know, but I'm so glad.

Remember when I told you all about futureme.org? Where you can go write yourself an email to be sent sometime in the future?

Here is my email to myself from one year ago (May 2, 2006):

Dear FutureMe,

This is crazy! I can't believe this thing exists! And for free! I really hope you are still with Micah. I hope you haven't gotten headstrong and obnoxious. Do NOT get tired of this man, because he is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Are you married yet? Children? I hope you're pregnant by now. Maybe not. Are you living in a house?

At this writing you are temping at GE and it's REALLY BORING. You feel like your mind is slowly leaking out of your brain, which is why you started a blog. It will help you keep busy and be a creative outlet. So, a year later, does anyone know about your blog other than your friends?

You've been with Micah for almost three months. The sex is great, the love is fantastic, and the way he looks at you and the things he says to you make you melt. Are you still melting? Does he still say these things? If not, he should. Remind him. But I don't think he'll need reminding.

What are you friends up to? Shelly & Erika are moving into their house in a couple weeks! Jacky & Kim just moved in together. Mandy & Noel are going strong. What are Anna and Heidi up to? School, probably - such dedication. Your cats are adorable and get cuter with age. Is Tata fat yet? She seriously looks like she might get fat.

Speaking of fat, are you still? Of course you are. It's only been a year. That's not really enough time to get skinny. But you know what? Micah loves you just the way you are, and hopefully you love yourself more than you did a year ago.

This is the coolest thing! I'm going to tell all my friends about it!

Take care of yourself, Me
--

First of all, can I just tell you how fast this year has gone? When I wrote that note to myself, I imagined what life might be like in a year but never thought it would come so quickly. So much has happened, obviously. I pretty much knew right away that I wanted to marry Micah and have kids with him. I just knew. And a year later? I am in the best relationship ever. Not that it doesn't have its moments - I mean come on, no couple is perfect. But I am in love with him, a concept that I truly "get" now, and I shit you not the man has only increased his sweet adorations and proclamations of my awesomeness. It's almost embarassing, except it's so fucking beautiful and wonderful that I am learning to love it. And I do mean Learning. I wasn't one of those kids whose parents fawn over their beauty, and though I knew my previous boyfriends were attracted to me, they didn't fall all over themselves trying to let me know. Though I will never be absolutely proud of my body the way it is right now, I am learning to love myself. Fuck, this has gotten cheesy.

I warned myself not to get tired of Micah because I was deathly afraid that for some reason it would happen. I definitely got tired of my last boyfriend. I have a constant need for change and excitement, and if you had asked me if I was going to marry my last boyfriend three months into dating him, I probably would have said yes. So this whole deal with staying enthralled with someone...well, I just wasn't sure I could. Thankfully, I was wrong. Not only am I not tired of Micah, I am more in love with him than ever, including those first few heady, endorphin-fueled, cannot-focus-on-anything-else months.

The headstrong and obnoxious bit? Not really sure where that came from, but I know I have a tendency to dominate in my relationships. SHOCKER, right? I do so love to have my way. That sounds terrible, but it's true. That control can lead to lots of problems if I don't keep it in check. That said, I will not apologize for suggesting Micah wear something different if I think it's not appropriate for the occasion. And you know what? The man is looking a lot more fashionable since moving in with me. That's never a bad thing, control issues be damned.

Me Back Then sure knew pregnancy was right around the corner! Lord. It makes me sound so...domestically inclined? Old-fashioned? Baby-hungry? And I'm not any of those things, really, I just knew I had found the right person to start my future with. I have always wanted to be a young mother, and again with the honesty, I was quite relieved to finally see the double lines on the pregnancy test. I think I've mentioned it before, but "they" say after a year of trying (yes, we were passive-aggressively trying) without conception, you might want to consult a doctor. I did not want to consult a doctor. I read plenty of blogs by women who have gone through hell and back to have a child, and of course I wanted no part of that.

Sadly, we are not living in a house. In fact, we are moving to a smaller (cheaper) apartment this summer. One with central air, on the first floor, pet friendly, with a fenced yard. I haven't found this hypothetical apartment yet, but I'm not too worried. We could probably afford to buy a really shitty, cheap house, but the rehab involved is something we just aren't interested in right now. I think having a newborn baby will be enough drama. With an all-around handy guy like Micah cohabitating with me, I know we will probably end up in that situation in the future - cheap house, fix it up, love it, sell it eventually for a lot more than we paid.

Tata, my tranny cat, got a little plump. I'm wondering why I thought to mention that in the note to myself, but perhaps she was on the skinny side at the time. Actually, she's lost weight lately because I switched from your average grocery store cat food to a fancy, expensive kind you can only get at the pet store. Why? I've heard over and over that the cheap stuff is like feeding your pets junk food. When you feed them something better, they (supposedly) shit less with less stinky shits, don't shed as much, and don't eat as much. It's hard to tell if it's actually working because I haven't been graphing their eating schedules or anything. And since I can't go near the litter box until this babe falls out, I have no idea if they are shitting less and less stinkily. I don't intend to ask Micah. He's disgusted enough as it is. Another reason for the switch was that I put the puppy on the good stuff right away, and considering those cats have been around for years, I felt kind of horrible about treating him like a king and them like slaves (though that's exactly how they all treat ME).

Which brings me to the last paragraph of that note to myself. I have got to get skinnier. Got to. I think it's especially important once I have a child, someone that depends on me to be healthy and there. I want to run around, not gasp my way up stairs, and generally feel like I'm in a body under 30 before my body becomes post-30 and still no healthier. I've heard Weight W*tchers is like a miracle, so I might try that. I'm also hoping the hype about breastfeeding and chasing a toddler causing weightloss is true.

But the magnificent thing is that Micah loves me exactly how I am and so do my friends. I can be who I want to be and won't be lonelier for it. This has been a long time coming, and while it's so easy to sit here and do nothing about it, that ain't gonna fly if I want to see my grandchildren one day.

Life is good. I'm always tired and I can't have cocktails, but life is good. I think I'll go write myself another one for next year. Then, in a year, I can look back on how motherfucking EASY my life was pre-baby, and chastise the hell out of myself for complaining about a boring job that pays me way too much to do nothing. But yeah, life is good. Did I mention I have a 4.0? First time eva, baby.