F-F-F-Fuck it!

Did I lose everyone with the Hitler cats?

COME ON. THAT CAT LOOKED LIKE HITLER. Don't you know you break down someone's power when you make fun of them? Comparing a cat to Hitler is making fun of Hitler, NO?

I entertain myself first and foremost.

Anyway!

- Fuck muscle spasms.
- Fuck the Freezoni, Quik Trip's attempt at the almighty Slurpee. Tastes like Air-Heads, but not in a good way. And I love me some Air-Heads.
- Fuck the dollar store for having a surprisingly fabulous selection of picture frames, ALL OF WHICH have scratches that you don't notice until you get home.
- Fuck Catholic hospitals for sending Eucharistic ministers in every Sunday whether you like it or not.
- Fuck the grocery stores for slipping Sugar Free and Light versions in with the normals. That's how they get rid of them.
- Fuck our cable provider for teasing me with cheap movie channels which were "promotional deals" when we signed up and now that we've cancelled the movie channels to save money we are PAYING BLOODY MORE.
- Fuck me for not doing the online tryouts for VH1's World Series of Pop Culture. You never know!
- Fuck Ellen for not following through with swallowing fire on her show, even though the segment was called Never Say Never! Ok, fine. Not fuck Ellen. Adore her despite, know wumsayin?
- Fuck the person/creature that tossed a corn on the cob onto our balcony. Yup. Landed out of nowhere while Micah was in the kitchen. He didn't see from whence it came. We do have squirrels in our trees, but is that possible? Squirrel dropped his treat? Squirrel hurled his treat? Angry neighbors that saw us throwing entire burgers to their starving, ALWAYS outside doggy? Dude, that was like MONTHS ago, in the winter. Your time for revenge has passed. Really, though. How did the 1/2 eaten corn cob get on my motherfucking porch?

But!

- Rock on, board game Loaded Questions. I love your bonding sans cheesiness properties!
- Rock on, online quizzes for school. You can't stop me from open-booking it.
- Rock on, Camel cigarettes, for trying to bring back Camel Wides with the slogan "Big! Fat! Delicious!"
- Rock on, Kabob House. You always give us extra baklava, knowing one piece is NEVER EVER enough.
- Rock on, Me! You decided to buy a scanner! (Even if it will be the cheapest one you could possibly find. It'll work long enough to post some really embarassing pictures...and not just of me...)
- Rock on, Kim B, for introducing me to the phrase "sexin' folks."
- Rock on, Lord Byron's Smoker's Candles! You might be working some sort of placebo effect on me but I swear you really work and stuff. Props to your Smoker's Fabric Spray.
- Rock on, Dilana on Rock Star: Supernova. If you don't win those chumps know nothing.

Reader Question:

If I wanted to torture you, what kind of food would I make you eat?