you oughta know

I just woke up and once again it's not even 7am (actually, I was up at 5:39 to pee, then at 6:05 I lost all hope for sleep when I heard about eight gunshots outside. Mmhm. That's a new one. (6:05am? GO TO BED, scumbags.) (On a side note, why does my cat think something lives in the keyboard drawer? Oh, that's not prey, kitty, that's the fluttering of furious typing!)

But that is hardly the reason for this post! I am writing you with as much excitement as one can have when one hasn't yet pulled the sleep from her eyes and hasn't even considered breakfast aside from the cold and lovely cranberry juice she is sipping. (I HATE YOU ALL, COFFEE DRINKERS.)

MY FRIENDS. Ahem.

Have you watched Sexual Healing on Showtime? No? But you want to know what it's about? So glad you asked.

At first, I wasn't so sure about this show. There was a British show much like this one but it was a lot more graphic when it showed the couples trying to reengage sexually, and after watching one episode of SH I'm all yeah, it would be better with more explicit scenes. This is the uptight American version. Poop on it. Then I watched one more episode, just to be sure, at which point I was convinced every single episode involved the same "healing rituals" and surely that got boring after awhile. I thought it was too tame to be good. I'm not sure if you know this, but I really like talking about sex and relationships, and not in a Sarah Jessica way - more like a psychoanalytic kind of way. Obviously I'm no professional. Just an obsessional.

So I was two episodes into the season (of 9 episodes, an hour each) and sort of skeptical. The person in charge of this venture is Dr. Laura Berman, who if I'm not mistaken has a sister who is also in the sex therapy field, and they used to tag-team on Oprah. I hope I'm not making that up. Anyway, Dr. Berman counsels three couples per episode who are experiencing sexual problems and general relationship malaise. She has a very calm, in-charge aura and for some reason she fascinates me. Her outfits and make-up are always perfectly coordinated, which skeeves me out a little bit, but I can't deny that she looks put together. I've been in therapy in the past, and I loved it, so naturally all I needed was a third episode and (finally!) a nipple, some ass smacking, and dudes? I was hooked.

Micah worked a side job yesterday that was two hours away, so I had a lot of time to myself. After some reception-related tasks such as tasting wedding cake and picking out flowers with my mom, I made a hot dog, put on my fleecey robe, and sat my ass down for a marathon. And I need MORE.

I'm not really sure what happened, but I literally feel like I spent yesterday in a therapist's office. I guess I kind of did. In every couple you can find something that makes sense in your own relationship, or is relevant to an issue you are still nursing from a previous one. After such intimate sessions with these couples, they felt like my friends. Of course some of those trying to get healed (like the guy in the ninth episode who never EVER attended to his wife's needs, didn't know where her g-spot was after 28 motherfucking years, and was generally a domineering asshole that didn't deserve such a sweet wife) are unlikable, for the most part I found myself rooting for everyone. Except those one or two couples that really should NOT be together, but of course Dr. Berman's role is to help them based on the fact that they made the effort to come to Chicago, so like any good therapist she deals with what's in front of her and lets people come up with their own conclusions. They wouldn't be there if they didn't want help, though with some couples it seems like this is their last chance and they know it.

The couples learn tantric sexual healing from a very entertaining couple with very entertaining accents. The woman is tall, sinewy, with closely cropped platinum blonde hair. The man is tall, sinewy, with dark chocolate skin and a watery, smooth way about him. He lays on his back while his wife strokes a gigantic glass dildo above his pants, cooing to the couples about the proper technique in this exercise, which is all about helping the man learn which muscles he can control to keep from becoming a 2-pump chump.

But wait! It's not all about straight people! Ok, so there was only one lesbian and one gay couple out of 27, but their inclusion was appreciated. The point is not how to make a penis work well. It's about reconnecting as a couple, and there are some nights when sex is strictly prohibited by the Doc. Oh, and forget about drinking. Strongly discouraged. It's a coping mechanism and what they should be coping with is their relationship.

I guess you have to watch it to get the whole gyst, but I truly learned a lot. That might sound corny. Micah and I are nowhere near needing this type of therapy, but I realized you don't have to be in the relationship doldrums for these methods to make everything about your relationship better, not just the sex, because usually the sexual issues are about something much more complex, namely communication. I know that when Micah came home last night I was all over him, and while I didn't spring any tantric healing rituals on him, I did appreciate him on a whole new level.

That's all. Just wanted to share.