I hope a quarter gets stuck in your eye like that alligator at the zoo

I've come to the conclusion that I fucking hate laundromats. I've been able to avoid them for the most part - I've probably only been to a laundromat 10-15 times in my life, not counting the laundry room at college which I probably should have visited more often but I was, you know, having the college experience. I usually do my laundry at my parents' house because I'm a shameless mooch, but considering I have to drive an hour each way to get there and then spend three hours giving them my undivided attention, it balances out. They give me a clean place to launder with free soda and turkey sandwiches and I give them what all parents want - large chunks of undivided attention from their children.

When I'm feeling lazy or gas is $10.57 a gallon I go to a laundromat, and every time I go to one I'm convinced the place is far dirtier than it should be considering its sole purpose is to help people get something clean. Does anyone actually work at these places? Sweeping, perhaps? EMPTYING THE FUCKING LINT TRAP? EVER?! And why oh why would you, as the owner of this "cleaning" environment, decide to eat whatever the fuck that was that smelled like something took a big hot shit on a week-old fish carcass right next to me and the other folks folding our fresh, unmolested clothes? Also, "urine waft" is not something you want to encounter in a laudromat. Investigate that.

Please say no, it's not true, you definitely did not once again raise the price of the dryer so that I get 8 FUCKING MINUTES per quarter? What the fuck? I swear on all my fingers and toes that last time it was 15 minutes per quarter. Please also explain to me why my shirt has this funny little stain on it even though it certainly didn't go into the washer that way.

I'm a scam-spotter, y'all. I think they drop oil pellets into the washing machines so you rewash. Maybe the owners go around pressing the Lo Temp buttons between customers hoping the next fool won't notice and change it to Hi Temp, causing the fool to spend an extra $2.50 continuing the dryer time before they catch on. More plausibly, they just don't empty the fucking lint traps so it ends up taking five years and more than the special stash of quarters you have only for laundry that you've been saving for months? Forget your lofty Permanent Press ideals, those dryers know of no such pleasantry. These are the kinds of things that infuriate me. I'm already very impolite with my dryer-hogging dispatchment of clothes for the sake of a speedier dry, because who really wants to spend their entire Sunday afternoon in a place like that? But no, turns out it takes 55 minutes to dry a handful of skivvies and two pairs of pants. Mmkay. South Park pinball machine or not, I'm over that experience. My parents' house it is.

Ok fine, I'm also pissed because I left a load of laundry in the dryer and had to drive back and since the clothes were still NOT DRY it means they were sitting there for an extra 45 minutes in their wetness getting wrinkled while I was busy forgetting and hanging clothes on the back porch so, you know, THEY COULD DRY.

p.s. I did get the high score playing Quik Match on their magic touch on my first try today, which I was unable to do last time. Gabby Rulzzz finally beat you, "Leon," and she's never coming back!