Leftastic

I've been more than a smidgen obsessed with the fact that I'm left-handed ever since I learned that it was different. Somehow it makes me feel more original and skilled, because come on, it's definitely a right-handed world, and you must have something special if you can keep yourself from getting totally frustrated at the lack of appropriate desks at school AND figure out how to not kill yourself while using tools with a righty user in mind. There have been many studies showing that left-handed people are more creative and musically inclined than their righty peers. It's been proven. Don't kill the messenger. Did you know that four out of five of the people who created the first MacIntosh were lefties? Yeah-huh.

I just recently found my Page-a-Day calendar that was abandoned in August of 2005. It lost its place in my daily life when I moved back to St. Louis and didn't have a desk job for months. Page-a-Days are the kinds of things that you don't look at while at home. They are for the suspension of boredom at work, even if it simply serves as something to do while your computer starts up in the morning. This Page-a-Day, as you might guess, is chock-full of lefty trivia, celebrities, studies, and tendencies. It's not the first time I've had a calendar like this. I was kind of giddy when I found it a few days ago, because since 2005 is over I have EVERY RIGHT to read every fucking page, one after the other, which is an urge you fight daily if you are using a Page-a-Day as it should be used.

I came upon some interesting things while ripping off August through New Year's Eve. I will admit some of the facts are incredibly "DUH!" like how left-handed athletes have an advantage because of the element of surprise. Many successful boxers have been left-handed. Also tennis, basketball, and soccer players (left-handedness and left-footedness helped Pele become the most famous and respected soccer player in history).

The page for August 18 gives a list of websites that sell left-handed supplies. I've seen lefty stores before, but mostly they have kitschy shit like coffee mugs and aprons that say "Lefties do it right!" or "Kiss me, I'm a lefty!" You could definitely find a right-handed can opener in one of these stores, which I should totally buy because it IS hard to open a can backwards. Welcome to life as a lefty. We live in reverse.

So I went online to one of these stores prepared to be bombarded by a bunch of things I simply COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT. Instead, I believe I happened upon a scam.

I'm sorry, a left-handed spatula? Imagine a spatula with me. What could possibly make it biased for a righty? Hm? And I'm not talking about one of those fancy BBQ spatulas with the teeth on one side. I examined the picture of this miracle lefty spatula for a long time, really trying to understand. If you can tell me what makes it left-handed I'll buy you one for your favorite lefty. What about a lefty wooden spoon? How does that makes sense? The only utensil with a discernable on this website was a lefty ladle, because the little indentation for pouring is on the other side so you don't have to twist your arm around all crazy. But mostly I think some scumbag, probably a righty, wants to make money by making us believe we would be so much happier with left-handed kitchen utensils. I'm wondering now if my Page-a-Day was just fluffing me up by telling me lefties just might be smarter.

I will give props to the lefty keyboard I found on the website. All the junk to the right of the letters is moved to the left, so that you can do your 10-key entry and page up, down, and all around with your faster hand. I thought for a moment about buying one, but I realized that my right hand IS A MANIAC at the 10-key. I'm like, totally super fast and can whip out long sequences of numbers very quickly. I'm proud of this. I am also terribly ashamed to say that I don't think for one second my left hand would know what the fuck to do with all those numbers. I'd rather not feel inadequate, thank you.

However, maybe I could learn. Lefties have better adaptation skills. If a lefty breaks her left hand (that's you, Kimbo!) she will complain a lot less than if she were right handed, because lefties have always had to learn to be ambidextrous if they want to use any kind of appliance. I use my right hand for cutting with scissors, for example, which is probably the most common occurance of ambidexterity, because seriously there was ONE PAIR of lefty scissors at the very bottom of every bin of scissors in elementary school. You could either dig to the bottom and then fight over that pair with the other lefty in your class or you could shut up and learn to use the righty scissors before you were old enough and proud enough of your lefty-ness to be ashamed of selling out for the sake of convenience. See, if I could take it all back there's no way in hell I'd let myself learn to cut with my right hand. It's a matter of pride.

I told you I was a little obsessed.