self-flagellating like i'm that albino from the davinci movie

I must admit this post is definitely inspired by something I read on someone else's blog. I'm not sure about all the etiquette of quoting your blog source, but it's a really fantastic idea and I just wonder if it wouldn't catch on.

This girl decided it would be funny to dig up old journals and lovelorn missives and gather some other people with their own versions of the same materials and read them out loud in a public place on a regular basis. She lives in NY and it caught on very quickly and now they continuously have packed rooms. She says there is copious laughter and comraderie abound, because weren't we really all that same totally insecure pre-teen ball of angst? I'm thinking we were. It's nice to hear other people wrote totally inappropriate love letters that they wisely never sent, only to become such classic, hilarious fodder given some time and space and a whole lotta living.

I've been carrying around a diary that I only wrote in on ten different occasions between the ages of 13 and 15. I'm going to share and entry with you. It's the first one.

December 24, Thursday
Today is the first day that I'm writing to you. My friends came over last night. I found out something about Nicky. She is gay. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. She says that she's really attracted to Heather. I feel sorry for Heather. Our group always gets in a fight. I felt really bad, because it's Christmas and everyone should be caring. I'll explain about my friends later. First I'll explain myself. I am 5 foot 4 and I just got my hair cut to my chin. I won't tell you my weight in case someone finds this. I think I'm overweight, and my mom is always staring at my stomach. I HATE THAT! I want to lose weight, but it's hard when all my friends are skinny. I have a horse named Sambo that I would die for. I love him dearly. Okay, see you later and I'll tell you what I got for Christmas!

I don't even know where to start! Obviously I had no idea that as an adult all of the people I cherish and love most in the world just happen to be lesbians. I'm mortified by myself but also quite relieved that I outgrew myself in so many good ways. By the way, why is there no derisive but endearing faghag-like term for people like me?

How tragic is that line about my mother looking at my stomach? I'd forgotten about that little habit of hers. Of course somewhere in my brain an unconcious reflex is screaming you didn't forget! you REPRESSED! But whatevs. She gave up long ago and we are all happier for it.

Ok, maybe I'll do the second one too because I know you're dying to know what I got for Christmas! Let the spoiled brat comments commence. I can take it.

December 25, Friday
Today was pretty good. I got the following: a manicure set, boxers, two horse brushes, a sponge for Sambo, a sweater with matching pants and a turtleneck, about five books, tear jerkers, spurs, a boot bag, a bridle bag, a ratcatcher (white)*, 3 pairs of Christmas socks, a white and black puppet horse, a $15 dollar gift certificate to Camelot, horse button covers**, and a Gameboy game called Dr. Mario.

Please remember this is before I almost bankrupted my parents with my horse hobby. That's like my keystone issue or something, the get thee to a therapist ISSUE.

*A ratcatcher is a wrap-collared button-up riding shirt worn under a jacket, only worn when riding in a fancy horse show.
**I never wore them. I DIDN'T!

I still have that black and white horse puppet. It's cute.