"Good pizza is never round."

I just wanted to say that making homemade pizza from scratch is not as daunting as you might think. I was inspired because we got some very cool pizza accessories as wedding gifts, including a little recipe book.

My only real experiences with homemade pizza happened when I was preteen and friends with this girl Cara whose mother would make it for us on special occasions or when she was feeling nice. We'd all gather in her kitchen and shoot the shit while Mama D, as we called her, would knead dough, stir sauce, and chop ingredients. The end result was marvelous. Remembering this delicious pizza made me pretty convinced that it required a special talent that I just don't have.

WRONG! It's actually quite easy. So surprisingly easy, in fact, that not only did I make it for dinner for my brother and his girlfriend this past weekend, I'm making it when we have my parents and our priest over for dinner in a few weeks, and again for the second annual Christmas party at our apartment. Yes, I said there's a priest coming over for dinner. He's AWESOME.

Anyway. I'm going to break this down into easy bits. Don't be frightened.

THE DOUGH
(this makes one large pizza, two medium-sized ones, or four tiny-ass ones. If you're doing this for a party, make a double recipe)

1 2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. olive oil
1/2 cup tepid water
1 packet of active dry yeast (in the baking aisle)

1. Combine all dry ingredients and mix together in a bowl.
2. Form a well in the center and pour in the water and oil.
3. Mix gradually until you are able to pick up the dough with your hands.
4. Sprinkle some flour on your clean kitchen counter. Knead the dough for 10 minutes.
5. Form the dough into a ball, rub a little oil on the surface, and place it back in the bowl. Put a towel over the top. Leave it the hell alone for at least an hour so it can rise.*
6. Dough is ready when it looks like it has doubled in size and is sproingy to the touch. (Knowing when the dough is ready kind of freaked me out, but don't be scared. I found that it's very hard to fuck up dough if you just let it sit for 1-2 hours.)
7. Right before you're ready to use the dough, knead it for two minutes.

*When I say "at least," I mean go check on it after an hour. Yeast is very sensitive to temperature, so if your kitchen is chilly it will take twice as long. You can put dough in the fridge if you want it to stop rising but aren't ready to use it yet.

Are you scared yet? I promise, it's fun. Keep going.

THE SAUCE
Sure, you can just buy some sauce. But then you can't really say you made pizza from scratch, can you?

2 containers of Roma tomatoes (roughly 2-3 pounds)
3 garlic cloves, chopped up (ok, I cheated here and bought the minced kind, but I HATE cutting garlic)
a pinch of sugar
1 medium onion, chopped up
a pinch of dried oregano
salt and pepper to taste

This is where you can start adding your own flair. Just keep tasting the sauce through the process and if it tastes good, it's good! Now, I didn't exactly follow the procedure in the book because I bought fresh tomatoes instead of canned (which means they're usually skinned).

Here's what you do:

1. Cut the ugly butt off of all the tomatoes, and cut them in half. Dump them into your blender.
2. Pour in the olive oil.
3. Blend the fuck out of it, which won't take long.
4. Pour the sauce into a pan, and turn the burner on so it's halfway between the lowest and the medium setting. The sauce will be extremely watery, but you SHOULD NOT CARE.
5. Sautee the chopped onion and garlic in olive oil for just a few minutes in their own pan. Add a pinch or two of sugar. Don't let the onions get brown.
6. Add onions and garlic to the simmering tomato sauce.
7. Let the sauce simmer uncovered for at least an hour, I let mine go about 90 minutes. Make sure you stir it every once in awhile. You know it's done when it's nice and thick, not watery at all.

Honestly? The time it takes to prepare the pizza might be the worst part about it. Make the dough right before you make the sauce. It won't kill either to wait for the other to be ready.

THE TOPPINGS

There are no rules. Make shit up. Everything tastes good on a pizza. Even potatoes.

Some suggestions:

Margherita Pizza...
-get a chunk of fresh mozarella, and slice it generously.
-spread yer sauce on the dough
-pepper the hell out of the moz.
-cut up fresh basil and sprinkle on pizza AFTER it comes out of the oven.

Veggie Pizza...
-sautee zucchini, mushrooms, large chunks of red onion, garlic, peppers, shit - ANY veggie is good on pizza - in olive oil. Make sure you salt & pepper it. Drain the olive oil and cool the veggies before putting them on top of the sauce.
-I prefer veggies under cheese instead of vice versa, but that's just me. Veggies on top do look lovely.

Helena Pizza... (stolen with love from Mangia, my fave restaurant)
-use pesto instead of tomato sauce
-buy a jar of roasted red peppers, some feta, and shrimp (or skip the shrimp and go heavy on the roasted peppers if you're a seafood-phobe)
-spread pesto and garnish just like any other pizza, but make sure you defrost and de-tail the shrimp. Also, slice up the peppers into pinkie-sized slivers.
-Sprinkle feta e'rywhere on that mug because feta is mmmm-tastic.

Buffalo Pizza...
-buy Tyson Buffalo Chicken Strips, cook them in the oven for 1/2 of the directed time on the package (if you cook them fully and then cook them again on the pizza, the chicken will be dry as hell). Dice up the chicken.
-This is an instance where I'd put the topping ON TOP of the cheese so the flavorful buffalo coating gets a little crispy.
-Pour some bleu cheese dressing into a sandwich bag and snip off one corner. When the pizza is done, drizzle the bleu cheese over the pizza in an artsy manner. (Don't worry, it's impossible for it NOT to look artsy. It's homemade pizza!)

TECHNICAL STUFF

-Preheat oven to 400
-Preheat the baking sheet or pizza stone (I use a baking sheet and it works just fine) for a few minutes before you put the dough on it
-Sprinkle the baking sheet with flour before putting the dough on it

Rolling out the dough:
Yes, you need a rolling pin for this. Don't be silly and assume you can flatten it with your heavy-ass textbook or something. Don't roll out the entire piece of dough unless you're making one giant pizza. Each pizza gets it's own roll-job. The first pizzas I made were a huge hit, but I decided I didn't like how thick the crust was. I wanted something thinner. This is all about how YOU like pizza, and I guess you won't know if you want it to be different until you try it first. The second time I made pizza I rolled it out thinner and I'm much happier about it, though the First Try pizza testers loved the thicker crust, so...it's all a matter of personal preference.

-Bake each pizza 20-25 minutes. For the thicker crust, 22 minutes was perfect. For the thinner crust, only go about 15 minutes. You'll know it's done when the edges are slightly brown and the cheese is completely melted but not brown yet. If you're using a regular baking sheet, don't look for darkness on the bottom of the crust - it stays pretty white even when the pizza is definitely done. Don't be afraid to put in two pizzas at once if you have more than one rack. Just switch them halfway through so they get equal treatment, especially if your oven is an unevenly baking monster, like mine.

NOW. Aren't you a little less intimidated about making pizza? Or are you having a hearty laugh at my expense? I swear to god you'll feel so fucking accomplished when the first person groans your name and says "this is SO. GOOD." And they will. THEY WILL!

Oh, and if you're going to make pizza for party, don't stress about the fact that all of the pizza won't be done at the same time, because if you're making more than two pizzas, that will be your reality. View it as a tasting party, and I promise people will look forward to what they get to eat next.

Damn, I wish I had a picture or something. If you make pizza, I want to hear about it. The length of this post might make you question my assertion that it is in fact easy to make pizza, but I assure you I'm just verbose in general and I included some dialogue that was NOT included in the recipe book. Because I want you to be successful, you saucy little minx.